Light & Hearty

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil
in bed.
But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & a economist in Bed.
Girl announced her engagement to her father.
Father: Does this fellow has any money?
Girl: U men r all alike, that's exactly what he asked me about u.
Museum Administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you have broken.
Lalu: Thanks God! I thought it was a new one.
Banta: Give me a bag full of money, job and a vehicle full of girls
God: So it be, my son and made him a bus conductor of ladies special bus!
How do u identify a true music lover?
A man when hears a woman singing in the bathroom, puts his ear to
the keyhole instead of his eye!
A genuine reason for having two girlfriends at a time:
Monopoly is always damaging & Competition improves service!
Santa: I got married because I was tired of cooking, cleaning
home and washing clothes.
Banta: Amazing, I got divorce for the same reason.
Angry Santa to his son: Have you ever seen an owl?
Pappu: (Luking down) No...
Santa: Don't look down. Look at me.
Santa: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
Banta: Ok
Santa: A white horse fell in the mud.
Two goldfish in a bowl talking: Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God?
Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water?
Postman: I have to come 5 miles to deliver u this packet.
Santa: Why did u come so far. Instead U could have posted it.
Why women live a better, longer & a peaceful life?
Because, women don't have a wife.
Man standing on the scale, holding his stomach in. Wife: I
don't think that is going to help.
Man: Sure it does. How else could I see the numbers?
Maths & Women are the two most complicated things in this world...
But maths at least has some logic!
Teacher: what do u call a person who cannot hear anything?
Santa: U can call him anything, because he cannot hear anything.
Santa found the answer to the most difficult question ever:
What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever U order first, will come first.
Why do bees hum?
Because they've forgotten the words.
Control to pilot: What is your height and position?
Pilot: I'm five feet eight inches and i'm sitting down.
Wife: I Have Changed My Mind.
Husband: Thank God ! Does The New One Work Now?
A boy goes to a strip club. His mom gets angry & asks him: Did
u see anything there that u were not supposed to see?
Boy: Yes, I saw dad!
Expensive fertilizers that do nothing for your grass will give
you the most gorgeous weeds you ever saw.
People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather
because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.
A teenage boy to his father: Here's my report card and a list
I've compiled of entrepreneurs who never finished their High School.
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying
attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Pappu! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "Cartoon Network, Ten Sports,
Discovery Channel and Pogo!"
A cute Nurse came 4 the interview.
Dr: What salary U Xpect?
Nurse: Rs.10,000.
Dr was overjoyed & said: My Pleasure.
Nurse: With pleasure itï‚'s 25,000
Easiest way to die:
1. Have a cigar daily - you will die10 years early.
2. Have drinks daily - you will die 30 years early.
3. But love someone truly - you will die daily!
What would confuse a mentally challenged person?
Answer: A pineapple.
Confused...? I knew you would be!
How to catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and just be yourself. Squirrels will come to you on
their own. Because they just love NUTS !
If you never want to see a man again, say: I love you, I want
to marry you, I want to have children - they leave skid marks.
Yeah, my husband and I just split up. I finally faced the fact
that we're incompatible. I'm a Virgo and he's an a@@hole.
Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in
home& devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home&
economist in Bed.
Santa declares: I'll never marry in my life and I'll give same
advice to my children also.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I
think that's how dogs spend their lives.
I asked my new girlfriend what sort of books she's interested
in, she said: Check books.
The easiest way to make your old car run better, is to check the prices of
new car.
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the ciggarettes I smoked,
i feel ashamed. Then I look into the ciggarette & think about the
workers in the ciggarette factory & all of their hopes & dreams. If
I dont smoke this ciggarette, they might be out of work & their
dreams would be shattered, Then I say to myself, it's better that I
smoke this ciggarette & let their dreams come true then be selfish &
worry about my LUNGS.
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of
the trouble in the flat where they lived. The judge called for
orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest first," he decreed. The
case was closed for lack of evidence.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
My wife thinks "freedom of the press" means no-iron clothes..
When the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called
the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an
election.
A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to
allow his wife to drove his prize possession...even to the grocery
store which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she
departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print
your age!"
A boy tells his mom that he seen a boy & a girl sitting at the
top of the roof & kissing. Then his mom tell him that they are gonna get
married.
Then the boy asks his mom: When is dad gonna marry the maid?
"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an
essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write
furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
Wife's definition of retirement: Twice as much husband on half as much
pay.
Q: What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A: A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.
Nurse: A beautiful woman who holds your hand for one full
minute and then expects your pulse to be normal
At the scene of an accident a man was crying: O God! I hv lst my hand, oh!
Santa: Control urself. Don't cry. See that man. He has lost his head. Is he
crying?
A blonde was being admonished by the doctor: Until the
penicillin cleans out ur infection, u r to have no relations whatsoever!
Pausing for a moment, blonde replied: Ok, but what about friends &
neighbors?
A French in a hotel in NY, phoned room service for some pepper.
Attendant: Black pepper or white pepper?
French: Toilette pepper!
A history professor and a psychology professor were sitting on
a deck at a nudist colony.
The history professor asked the psychology professor, "Have you read
Marx?"
The psychology professor replied, "Yes, I think they are from the wicker
chairs."
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take
separate vacations--we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage
together
Mother: So, you want to become my son-in-law?
Boy: Not really, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter
Two women were talking about their new milkman.
First: He's very good looking, punctual & dresses so smartly.
And so quickly too!, said the other.
Santa & Banta were walking in the highlands then suddenly
Santa fell down in a deep hole.
Banta: Are you ok?
Santa: Fine thanks!
Banta: Did you break anything?
Santa: No, there's nothing down here!
An old: Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately,
I have forgotten to zip up.
Doc: That's not senility. Senility is when you forget to zip down.
Boss: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet
on the mat as you came in?
New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented
by an Irish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later
modified by an English inventor who put a hole in the seat.
There is a sign in the toilet of the Sex Change Clinic. It
reads "We may never piss this way again."
Santa always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator
just in case someone wants their coffee black.
Guide: I welcome u all to the Niagra falls. These are the
world's largest waterfalls & the sound intensity of the waterfall is
so high, sound of even 20 supersonic planes passing can't b heard!
Now may I request the ladies to keep quiet so that we can hear the
Niagra Falls??
A blonde calls a mechanic 2 fix her car, he gets it goin in 2 minutes.
What was the prob?
Just shit in the air filter
How often do I hv to do that?
Santa falls in luv with a nurse... After much thinking, he
finally writes a love letter to her: "I luv u sister."
Q: Why dogs don't marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog's life!
A history teacher & his wife were sitting at a table. The wife asked.
'Anything new at work?'
He replied, 'No, I'm teaching History.'
Two old ladies were attending a rather long church service.
One leaned over & whispered: My butt is going to sleep. 'I know,'
replied the other, 'I heard it snore three times.'
Q: What's the diff between mother & wife?
A: One woman brings into the world crying & the other ensures you
continue to do so.
A guy took a part time job as an opinion poll sampler, calling
people for their views on various issues. On his very first call, he
introduced myself, "Hello, this is a telephone poll."
A man on the other end replied, "Yeah, and this is a street light!"
Santa enters kitchen, opens sugar container, looks inside and
closes it. He does this again and again. Why?
Because his Doctor told him to check sugar level regularly.
Boss: I'll give you 3000 per month and in three months,
I'll raise it to 6000. So when would you like to start?
Santa: In 3 months.
A girl proposed to Santa and he denied simply saying that in
our family, we marry only our relatives. My mom married my dad, my
brother married my bhabhi , my uncle married my aunt and so on. So
please excuse me !!!!!
I took my secretary to lunch the other day, and I discovered
she was not the old fashioned type. After two old fashions she couldn't
type.
Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning,
Lord,"
And there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning."
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so
much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married and now he is
going thru hell.
An army sergeant told Santa to go to the end of the line. He did, but then
returned.
"I thought I told you to go to the end of the line," barked the
sergeant. "Why did you come back?"
"Because there's already somebody there!"
A priest was praying for guidance: Oh God, grant me this
knowledge: what is the meaning of life?
For a while, Creation was silent. Then a booming voice, sounding
severely pissed-off, shouts from heaven: Read the F*#kin FAQ!
A man is in the hospital after getting drunk and swallowing
120 coins on a bet. Doctors monitoring his situation say, so far, no change.
Santa tripped on a broken curb and went to the hospital.
After examining him, the doctor said, "I have some good news, and
some bad news for you. First of all, you'll never be able to work again."
Santa replied, "Okay, now what's the bad news?"
An application for job came in with an applicant's picture
attached. She was a pretty blonde. On the back of the picture was
hand written: "Picture on front".
What's the difference between me and a Viking?" Olli asked.
"No idea, said Ville."
"When the Vikings used to come home after their wars, that's when
the real drinking began. But when I come home after a few drinks,
that's when the real war begins."
Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and
then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
As an inspirational measure, a boss placed a sign in the
restroom directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: THINK
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at his sign,
and right next to it, above the soap dispenser, someone had
carefully lettered another sign, which read: THOAP!
At weddings old aunts used 2 tease me saying: You are next, you are next.
But they stopped it since I started doing the same to them at funerals!
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long church
service. One leaned over and whispered, "My butt is going to sleep."
"I know," replied her companion, "I heard it snore three times."
Teacher: Four beautiful girls are walking on the road. Change
it to exclamatory sentence.
Student: WOW !
People who do lots of work...make lots of mistakes,
People who do less work...make less mistakes,
People who do no work...make no mistakes,
People who make no mistakes...get promoted.
May you die in bed at the age of 95, shot by a jealous spouse.
Father talking to his son: Son, you should never lie. One lie
begets another lie, then another lie, and before you know it, you're a
lawyer.
Pappu: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he
told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Jeeto: Well, you have done the right thing.
Pappu: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Woman sends knickers to the launderette but they still come
back stained. Next time she sends a note: Use more soap on clothes.
Laundry man sends back a note: Use more paper on your arse.
Mom: Where r u off to now?
Son: I`m gonna join the army.
Mom: But, legally u r only an infant.
Son: That`s all right, I`m going to join the infantry.
Customer: Waiter, what's the meaning of this fly in my tea up?
Waiter: I wouldn't know sir, I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller.
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the
bar.
"Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "That guy at the bar
has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."
Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"
In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their ass was too
fat, 15 percent said their ass was too thin and the other five per
cent said they didn't care - they would have married him anyway.
I've invented a fly spray that doesn't kill flies; it makes
them so sexually active, you can swat two at a time.
Bumper Sticker: Not so close! I'm still making payments.
Your daddy must be a terrorist because you're a BOMB!
Santa in an antique shop, ï‚"Do you have anything new?ï‚"
Two taxicab drivers met.
"Hey," asked one, "what's the idea of painting one side of your cab
red and the other side blue?"
"Well," the other responded, "when I get into an accident, you
should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a
camp. "I'm glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied.
"I've been lost for three weeks."
The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses
her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't lose
any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress
them alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."
Q: What's the difference between good & bad gals?
A: Good gals loosen a few buttons when it's hot, bad gals make it
hot by loosening a few buttons!
A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand
on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long
life".
Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.
Yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause.
Q: How do you recognize a Santa's son in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.
Banta was visiting Santa, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. Santa responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Banta: Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
"HELLOOOOOO," answered Santa. "They're watch dogs!"
A teacher asked Pappu: What's the capital of United States?
Pappu: Washington DC.
When asked what "DC" stood for, Pappu added, "Dot com!"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was tap dancing?
A: She broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about you?
Banta: Me too, after you leave.
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a
camp. "I'm glad to see you." he said. "I've been lost for three days."
"Don't get too excited friend." the other hunter replied."I've been
lost for three weeks."
The mother of a large family was explaining why she dresses
her children alike, right down to the youngest baby.
"When we had just four children, I dressed them alike so we wouldn't
lose any of them."
"Now," she added, looking around at her brood of nine, "I dress them
alike so we won't pick up any that don't belong to us."
Q: What's the difference between good & bad gals?
A: Good gals loosen a few buttons when it's hot, bad gals make it
hot by loosening a few buttons!
A rabbi took a job at a Duracell factory. His job is to stand
on the production line and as the batteries go by, say, "I wish you long
life".
Can I go to the theatre? Asks a mosquito to her mother.
Yes but be aware, pay attention during the applause.
Q: How do you recognize a Santa's son in School?
A: He is the one who erases the books when the teacher erases the board.
Banta was visiting Santa, who had acquired two new dogs, and
asked her what their names were. Santa responded by saying that one
was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Banta: Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?
"HELLOOOOOO," answered Santa. "They're watch dogs!"
A teacher asked Pappu: What's the capital of United States?
Pappu: Washington DC.
When asked what "DC" stood for, Pappu added, "Dot com!"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who was tap dancing?
A: She broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
Santa: I kiss my wife everyday before leaving for office, what about you?
Banta: Me too, after you leave.
The judge read the charges, then asked: Are you the defendant in this
case?
No, your honor," replied Banta, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'. I'm
the person who done it.
Jeeto: I didn't know you smoked. When did you start?
Preeto: That night my husband came home early & found a cigarette butt
in the ashtray.
Doctor: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having
your meals three times a day as I advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.
Q: Why do men fart more often than women?
A: Because women do not keep their mouth shut long enough to build up
the pressure.
Q: Why was Santa writing the exam near the door?
A: Because it was an entrance exam.
Santa's inventions:
1. Waterproof towel
2. Solar powered torch
3. Book on how to read
4. Pedal powered wheel chair.
Banta: Y does Waheeda Rehman never changes her saree in the movie
GUIDE?
Santa: B'coz Dev Anand says: 'O mere humrahi, meri baanh thame
chalna, badle duniya SARI, tum na badalna'
Pilot Santa asking permission to land said, "Guess who?"
Controller Banta switches the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"
A politician's most important ability is to foretell what will
happen tomorrow and next month and next year - and to explain
afterwards why it didn't happen.
There are bats hanging of a branch upside down, all except one. Two bats
comment:
What happened to this one?
I donï‚'t know, two minutes ago he seemed normal and then he fainted.
"Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill.
"Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery. I just burried my
mother-in-law" replied Jim.
"I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?"
"It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"
"Will the father be present during the birth?" asked the obstetrician.
"Nah," replied the mother-to-be. "He and my husband don't get along."
A beggar walks up to a well-dressed woman & said, "I haven't
eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him & said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now
that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.
Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.
Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Maro dikro Dubai gayo?"
A: My son drowned.
Q: What did the Gujju mean when he said, "Ramesh no dikro STATES ma
gayon" ?
A: Ramesh's son failed in statistics...
Q: Why did the Gujju go to London?
A: To see BIG BEHN.
Q: Why did the Gujju go to Rome ?
A: He wanted to listen to POPE music.
Gujju Premi: Darling mere kaan me kuch halka sa, Kuch narm sa,
Kuch namkin sa, Kuch mitha sa kaho!
Premika: Dhokla.
Jeeto: If I die what'll you do?
Santa: I may also die.
Jeeto: Why?
Santa: Some time too much of happiness can also kill a man.
Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
Teacher: Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
Johnny: Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same
time.
Q: Who is more satisfied, a man with a million dollars, or a man with six
children?
A: The man with six children. The man with a million dollars wants more.
The owner of a company tells his employees:
You worked very hard this year. The company's profits increased
dramatically. As a reward, I 'll give everyone a check for Rs 5000.
If you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those checks.
Q: Why do blondes keep empty milk cartons in the fridge?
A: In case they want a black coffee.
Q: Why did the tightrope walker visit his bank?
A: To check his balance.
The 3 stages of man:
He believes in Santa Claus.
He doesn`t believe in Santa Claus.
He is Santa Claus.
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
Q: Why is getting Christmas presents for your kids just like a day at the
office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.
My accountant told me that the only reason why my business is
looking up is that it's flat on its back.
Panting and sweating, Santa and Banta on a tandem bicycle
finally made it to the top of a steep hill.
"That was a tough climb," said Banta.
"Sure was," replied Santa. "And if I hadn't kept the brakes
on, we would have slid down backward."
A woman is sitting at a bar. A man approaches her and
says, "Hi, honey, want a little company?"
"Why?" asks the woman. "Do you have one to sell?"
Q: Why are Egyptian's Children always confused??
A: Because after death, their daddy becomes the mummy.
An astronomer was watching the sky from his telescope. Santa
was observing him. Suddenly a star falls, seeing that Santa
shouted, "Kya nishana lagaya hai!"
Banta: Why is the Police nicknamed "The heart of the country"?
Santa: It beats, beats, beats....
Once Professor Santa asked a plumber to come to his college..
You know whyy?
Because he wanted to check from where the question paper is leaking.
Q: What four letter word starts with F and ends with K and if
a man can't get it he uses his hands?
A: Fork
Santa: Do you know the meaning of WIFE. It means...Without
Information Fighting Evrytime!
Jeeto: It could also mean - With Idiot For Ever.
Santa: What kind of a wife do you want?
Pappu: Exactly like moon; which appears in the night and disappears
in the morning!
Q: What does a lazy dog chase?
A: Parked cars.
Waiter, waiter, do you have frog's legs?
Certainly, Sir!
Well hop over here and get me a sandwich!
Q: Did you hear about the new Iraqi tank?
A: Yeah, It has 14 gears. 13 go in reverse, and one goes foreward
incase the enemy attacks from behind.
A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When
she asked young Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss."
"Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?"
"He went blue and collapsed."
Q: Which month do soldiers hate most?
A: The Month of March!!
Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of
stress. I keep losing my temper with people.
Doctor: Tell me about your problem.
Patient: I just did, you stupid bastard!
An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new
breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.
Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over
the trash fields and produces honey.
Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you
cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves
Q: Why did the Santa put his finger over the nail when he was hammering?
A: The noise gave him a headache.
Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
A: Knock on the door.
Santa was drawing money from ATM. Banta, who was just behind
him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4
asterisks(****).
Santa replies, "Ha! Ha! Ha! You are wrong. Its 1258."
A man gets into a cab and asks the cab driver, "Hey, do you
have room for a 6 pack of beer and a large pepperoni pizza up front?"
"Sure, plenty of room," says the cabbie.
So the man leans over into the front seat ... and pukes.
A cop stops a drunk him and asks:
Where you going?
I'm going to listen the lecture about the harm of the drunkenness and
alcoholism.
At night? And who will give a lecture?
My wife and mother-in-law!
Two flies order some food in a restaurant. One says:
I'll take the shit with garlic.
And I'll take the same, but without garlic, said the other one. I
don't like to have bad breath.
Doctor, I always am afraid of anything without any reason.
Take this drug three times daily (gives a purgative) and you'll have the
reason!
A nurse in hospital asks the patient with broken-down head:
Name?
Sameer Bhatia.
Date of birth?
06 September 1965.
Married?
No. Car accident.
A psychiatrist says to his patient, "So, you say that you're
happy to pay your taxes...And when did this start?"
A drunk got into a taxi and told the driver, "Take me to The
Piccadely Hotel."
The taxi driver turned round and said, "But we are at The Piccadely
Hotel, we're parked right outside it." 'That's fine then, but next
time, don't drive so damn fast!"
What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
Her husband is out looking for the other man.
A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!"
"I don't have to think - I'm blonde!"
At weddings old aunts usd to tease me saying "You are next, you are
next."
But they stoppd it since I started doin the same to them at funerals...!!
Jeeto was about to give birth to a baby.
Santa: If it looks like you, it would be great.
Jeeto: If it looks like you, it would be a miracle.
Will you love me after marriage also?
This depends on your husband, if he allows me.
A morning dialogue:
Banta, "Honey, you know when I shave in the morning I feel 10 years
younger.."
Preeto, "But can you shave in the evening then?"
Two lawyers standing before an Irish judge got into a fierce argument.
At last one lawyer lost his temper and shouted, "Sir you are the
biggest fool that I have set eyes on."
"Order, order," said the Irish judge. "You seem to forget that I am in the
room."
Patient: Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples
later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out."
Doctor: That's easy. Eat shit.
God thought that since he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother.
Then devil thought that he couldn't b everywhere he made a mother-inlaw.
Q: Why did the tomato turned red?
A: Because he saw the salad dressing.
What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them
to go?
A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to
the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most
of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I
think I'll just go and shoot myself."
The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"
Height of Patriotism: U sitting on an English toilet in Indian style.
Doctor: your husband needs rest and peace. Here are some sleeping pills.
Wife: When must I give them to him?
Doctor: They are for you.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.
Q: How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A: You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive.
Q: How is an ear of corn like an army?
A: It has lots of kernels.
"Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he
was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he
knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."
"Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
"A judge told him."
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids
through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously
frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man.
She rolled down her window and yelled back, "What makes you think
these are all mine?"
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several
times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."
"Yeah, but you see, you have always the same model, it hasn't
changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models
coming every month."
Man: I want a divorce. My wife hasn't spoken to me in six months.
Lawyer: Better think it over. Wives like that are hard to get!!
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a
policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new
role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but
what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and
saw?
A man tries to push an elderly woman over a balcony's railing
on the third floor. A crowd of onlookers on the sidewalk is angry.
"Stop him! Stop the bastard!" they shout. "Help the poor woman!"
"She is my mother-in-law," the man on the balcony says.
"Ah... Look at the witch! She has the gall to grab at the railing
and resist!"
Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning
business next door to the convent?
He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any
dirty habits.
Q: What kind of work goes on in a salt & pepper factory?
A: Seasonal work.
The boss called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of
jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously.
"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of
humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
Height of possesiveness: Constipation !!
Height of honesty: Pregnant woman paying 1.5 times the fare..
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are
dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks
at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Kargil, 1999."
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
Several women appeared in court, each accusing the other of
the trouble in the flat where they lived.
The judge called for orderly testimony. "I'll hear the oldest
first," he decreed. The case was closed for lack of evidence.
When in life, you wake up and you don't see anyone, then come
to me. I will be there to take you to an eye specialist!
A husband said to his wife, "No, I don't hate your relatives.
In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.
During training exercises, the lieutenant driving down a muddy
back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red faced
colonel at the wheel.
"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the
keys, "Yours is."
The Judge said to the defendant. "I thought I told you I never
wanted to see you in here again."
"Your Honor," the criminal said, "that's what I tried to tell the
police, but they wouldn't listen."
True bravery is arriving home late, after a boys night out,
being assaulted by your wife with a broom and asking ...
Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?
Why are all those people running?
They are running a race to get a cup.
Who will get the cup?
The person who wins.
Then why are all the others running?
Soon after their wedding, the bride told her groom, "Darling,
now that we are married, I want you to fire your secretary."
"But honey," replied the groom, "you used to be a secretary yourself."
"Yes," she continued, "and that's why I want you to fire her!"
How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls
Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He was the original owner."
Five-year-old girl was asked by her teacher what her father
does, and she replied, "Whatever my Mom tells him to."
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good
news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
Professor to noisey students: "Every time I open my mouth some fool
speaks."
A doctor says to a patient, "I've got good news and bad news.
The bad news is I amputated the wrong leg. The good news is your bad leg
is getting better!"
Q: What do women and tax forms have in common?
A: Men love to cheat on them.
When the electricity went off during a storm at a school the
students were de-lighted.
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and
joined the army.
Listener, "She'll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too.
Won't she?"
"Sure," replied the man.
"Well, won't they find out?"
The man shrugged. "But who'll tell?"
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it
again, Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
An English professor announced to the class; "There are two
words I don't allow in my class. One is gross and the other is cool."
From the back of the room a voice called out, "So, what are the words?"
The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly
one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to
the office. I forgot to lock the safe!"
"What are you worried about?" the other said. "We're both here."
An interviewer asked, "Can you operate a typewriter?"
"Yes, sir, I use the Biblical system."
"I never heard of it."
"Seek and ye shall find."
Have a great day!!
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner."
Dave jumped up from the card table white with rage.
"Stop this game," he shouted, "Joe is cheating!"
"How do you know?"
"He's not playing the hand I dealt him!"
The weatherman is the only person who can be wrong every
single day and still have their boss tell them see ya tomarrow
It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented
by a Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later
modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.
The good news: Saddam is facing the Death Penalty.
The bad news: Beckham's taking it !!
A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination
the doctor said, "Your wife's mind has completely gone!"
To which the man replied, "I'm not surprised. She's been giving a
piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"
"My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing
pens."
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two
times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food...
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde
said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
My wife always says to me, "Give me money, give me money."
What does she do with all the money?
Dunno. Never gave her a penny.
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.
The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then
asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.
"Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
A couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a
word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither
wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically
asked, "Relatives of yours?"?
"Yep," the husband replied, "In-laws."
A company held a contest for kids with the theme: "The nicest
thing My Father Ever Did For Me."
One kid answered "He married my mother."
A man was standing on the scale, sucking in his stomach.
The man's wife sarcastically said, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Sure it does," he said. "How else could I see the numbers?"
Preeto was almost in tears. "Oh Kanta," she said to her
maid, "I have reason to suspect that my husband is having an affair
with his secretary."
"I don't believe it for one minute !" Kanta
snapped."You're just
saying that to make me jealous !!!"
A man walked into the tax collector's office and sat down and smiled at
everyone.
"May I help you?" said the clerk in charge.
"No," said the man. "I just wanted to meet the people I have been working
for all these years."
Tax Collector: Why don't you pay your taxes with a smile?
Taxpayer: I'd love to, but you insist on money!
Sign on Tombstone: "Here lies an atheist, all dressed up and nowhere to
go."
"I can't find a cause for your illness," the doctor
said. "Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," replied his blonde patient, "I'll come back when you are
sober."
Santa spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
concentrate.
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did
all of my intelligence come from?"
His father replied, "Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother,
because I still have mine."
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: Youï‚'re too young to be smoking!
One day a dog was running behind a Santa... But Santa was laughing.
Banta asked, "Why you are so happy?
He said... "Ah Ah Ah....I have an Airtel mobile with me...But Still
Hutch network is following me.."
Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."
Santa, "I am a proud father. My son is in medical college.
Banta, "What is he studying?"
Santa, "He's not studying, they are studying him!"
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
Q: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
A: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
scatter oneself over a wide area."
The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind
yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their
watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and
raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped. --Marcel Achard
Q: Why do people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older.
A: They're cramming for their finals.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping with the housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Q: What's the difference between women an government bonds?
A: Bonds mature.
I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
She said, "Somewhere I have never been!"
I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
Wife is sweet, when she is new. Sweeter, when she is true. And
she is the sweetest, when she is someone else's wife.
Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Santa: That's great, I'll take two of them.
The president of a large corporation opened his directors
meeting by announcing, "All those who are opposed to the plan I am
about to propose will reply by saying, 'I resign'."
Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it
will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's Rs 1000.
Patient: One thousand for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like
A company offered Rs 500 for each money-saving idea submitted by its
employees.
First prize went to the employee who suggested the award be cut to Rs
250.
Two men are discussing their lives. One says, "I'm getting
married. I'm tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes, and no clothes to
wear."
The other one says, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
Q: What is the difference between a jeweler and a jailor?
A: A jeweler sells watches whereas a jailor watches cells!
Q: What's the difference between Thanksgiving and April Fool's Day?
A: On one you're thankful and on the other you're prankful!
Q: Why is everyone so tired on April 1?
A: Because they've just finished a long March!
A young and stupid pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation
frequencies. So, when he was approaching a field during the night
time. Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess
who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"
I asked Mom if I was a gifted child.
She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.
His wife said: "Be an angel and let me drive." So he did, and now he is.
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his
head out the window?
Q: What's a mixed feeling?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
A guy asks his waiter how they prepare their chicken.
The waiter says that there's nothin' special... we just flat out
tell' em they're gonna die...
The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me,
Father, for I have sinned."
"What is it, child?"
"Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at
myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."
The priest turned, took a good look at the girl and said, "My dear,
I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."
A funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at
length of the good traits of the deceased - what an honest man he
was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
The widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children, "Go up
there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your dad.
If these pills don't stop the kleptomania," said the
psychiatrist, "try and get me a nice video camera.
A man visits the doctor. The doctor says "I have bad news for
you.You have AIDS and Alzhiemer's disease".
The man replies "Well,thank God I don't have AIDS!"
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
A: Big holes all over Australia!
Guy: Baby, drinking makes you beautiful.
Gal: I don't drink.
Guy: I do
Boss in government department: Why didn't you take the leave due to you
this year?
Civil servant: I needed the rest.
Wife: Why are you home so early?
Husband: My boss told me to go to hell.
Q. Why is 6 afraid of 7?
A. Because 7, 8, 9 !!!
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost
to get married?"
"I don't know, son, I'm still paying"
"Look, guide, here are some lion tracks."
"Good. You see where they go and I'll find out where they came from."
When I was born they fired a 21-gun salute.
Too bad they missed.
Q: Can you do anything that other people can't?A: Sure, I can read my
handwriting.
A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.
The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30.
"The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!
Q: Know what the difference between in-laws and outlaws is?
A: Outlaws are wanted!
The president of the service club asked his new member, "Would
you like to donate something to the home for the aged?"
The new member replied, "Yes, my mother-in-law."
A young boy was looking through the family album and asked hismother,
"Who's this guy on the beach with you with all the muscles
and curly hair?"
"That's your father."
"Then who's that old bald-headed fat man who lives with us now?"
They're the perfect match, he's a history teacher and she likes dates.
Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing.
Q: What did the boy bat say to the girl bat on Valentine's Day?
A: You're fun to hang around with!
A husband and wife are shopping when the wife says, "Darling,
it's my mother's birthday tomorrow. What should we buy her? She
would like something electric."
The husband replies, "How about a chair?!?"
A wife asked her husband: What do you like most in me, my
pretty face or my body?
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: I like your sense of humor.
Q: A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all fairy tales
begin with 'Once Upon A Time'?"
A: He replied, "No, there is a whole series of fairy tales that
begin with 'If elected I promise'."
Q: What do bees do with their honey?A: They cell it.
Q: What's the definition of bravery?
A: A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of
marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,
the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both
speak and the neighbors listen.
Husband: 'Shall we try a different position tonight?'
Wife: 'That's a good idea. Why don't YOU stand by the sink and do
the dishes and I'LL sit on the sofa and fart'.
By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the firstquarter was almost
over.
"Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the
game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 15 times."
The traveler was indignant at the slow speed of the train.
He appealed to the conductor: "Can't you go any faster than this?"
"Yes," was the serene reply, "but I have to stay aboard."
While filling out an employment application, a man paused over this
question:
"Person to notify in case of an accident."
Finally he wrote, "Anybody in sight."
Q: What do fat women and mopeds have in common?
A: They both are fun to ride, but you don't want your friends to see either
one!
After a deep passionate kiss, the girl whispers to the guy, "
Kiss me like that once more and I will be yours forever!"
The guy exclaims, " Thanks for the warning!"
If you cross a chicken with a zebra you get a four legged
dinner with a barcode.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
Q: What is a man's idea of helping out with housework?
A: Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.
Little Billy is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.
"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard.
"But everyone pees in the pool," said Billy.
"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"
An old man goes to a gypsy to ask him if he can remove a curse
he's been living with for 40 years. The gypsy says, "Maybe, but
you'll have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and
wife."
Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A: You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit!
Q: What do you call Santa's helpers?
A: Subordinate Clauses.
Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
A: Claustrophobic.
Q: What do you call a polar bear wearing ear muffs?
A: Anything you want. He can't hear you!
Q: What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A: A porcupine.
A tourist from the city was visiting a quaint country village,
and got talking to an old man in the local pub.
"And have you lived here all your life, sir?" asked the tourist.
And the old man, with a wise look, said, "Not yet."
The prospective father-in-law asked, "Young man, can you support a
family?"
The surprised groom-to-be replied, "Well, no. I was just planning to
support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves."
During a sermon our pastor stated that money wasn't important
in the afterlife, because in heaven, there is no money.
I overheard a poor kid whisper to his mother, "Did you hear that,
Mom? We're already in heaven."
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the
question, "Have you ever been arrested?"
He answered, "No."
The next question, intended for people who had answered "yes" in the
last question, was "Why?"
The lawyer answered it anyway: "Never got caught."
A little boy was taken to the dentist. It was discovered that
he had a cavity that would have to be filled.
"Now, young man," asked the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like
for that tooth?"
"Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.
A guy walks into a bar and notices three men and a dog playing
poker. The dog is playing beautifully. "Thats a smart dog," the man says.
"Not really," says one of the players. "Every time he gets a good hand, he
wags his tail."
At a hospital looking through the window at the newly arrived
babies a father says, "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she
adorable?"
His friend says, "But your kid didn't smile."
The father replies, "I was talking about the nurse"
"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands
shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"
A man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?"
"No," says the cop.
"What about all these other cars?"
"They didn't ask"
One day this black guy walks into a bar with this exotic, colorful parrot on
his shoulder.
The man orders a beer and bartender asks, "Wow. That incredible.
Were did you get him?"
And the parrot cocks his head back and says, "Africa man, Africa!
Their all over the place!"
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion
Waiter, what is this stuff?
That's bean salad sir.
I know what it's been, but what is it now?
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You are too young to smoke
Q: Why do Farts stink?
A: So that Deaf people can enjoy them too
After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he
wished to meet with the church board following the close of the
service. However, the first man to arrive was a total stranger.
"You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board,"
said the minister.
"I know," said the man, "but if there is anyone here more bored than
I am, I'd like to meet him"
Q. What's the difference between people who pray in church and
those who pray in casinos?
A. The ones in the casinos are serious
Two programmers walk along the street. The first says to
another one, " Listen, people say that the software for a new
american invisible plane, "Stealth-2" will be worked out by Microsoft"
The secondm, " I think it is connected with the fact that a new
plane must know how to hang up in the air "
"Honey, when we get married, I'll be there to share all your troubles and
sorrows."
"But I don't have any, my love."
"I said, when we get married"
Women are confusing...
Before marriage they expect a man, after marriage they suspect a
man, after he dies they respect the man
Q: Why do men pass gas more than women do?
A: Because women would not shut up long enough to build up pressure
Life Insurance Agent:
Don't let me frighten you into a decision. Sleep on it tonight, and
if you wake up in the morning, let me know what you think
1st thief, "Police! Quick! jump out of the window!"
2nd thief, "But this is the 13th floor"
1st: "Hurry! This is no time to be superstitious"
Santa stepped on one of those scales that tell fortune and
weight, and dropped in a coin.
"Listen," he said to Jeeto, showing her a small, white card, "It
says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great husband."
Jeeto, "And it has your weight wrong, too"
Jeeto, "Hello? Is this the fire department?"
"Yes."
Jeeto, "Listen, my house is on fire! You've got to come right away!
It's terrible!"
"Okay, how do we get to your house?"
Jeeto, "Don't have those big red trucks anymore?"
American: In our country, marriage even takes place with email.
Santa: In India, it is only with female
My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in
the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at
funerals
A mobile is like a woman- talks non-stop, costs a fortune,
disturbs when you are busy and when you need it urgently-there is no
service!
At age 4, success is . . . Not peeing your pants
At 12, success is . . . Having friends.
At 20, success is . . . Having sex.
At 35, success is . . . Making money
At 60, success is . . . Having sex.
At 70, success is . . . Having friends.
At 80, success is . . . Not peeing your pants
"Well, how are you getting on with your dating of the banker's daughter?"
"Not so bad. I'm getting some encouragement now."
"Really, is she beginning to smile sweetly at you or something?"
"Not exactly, but last night she said that she's said 'no' for the last time."
Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's
Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his
father didn't punish him?"
One Student: "Because George still had the axe in his hand"
Q: Why did Santa throw the butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see a butterfly
Banta was amazed to find Santa playing chess with his dog. He
watched the game in astonishment for a while.
"I can hardly believe my eyes!" Banta exclaimed. "That's the
smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," Santa replied. "I've beaten him three games out
of five"
Two men were discussing a new novel. Finally one of them, a
writer, said, ï‚"You canï‚'t really criticize this book since
youï‚'ve never written anything yourself.ï‚"
ï‚"So, what? Said the other, ï‚"Iï‚'ve never laid an egg
either, but
I can criticize an omelet better than a hen can"
Q: Santa and Banta went to see 9-12 PM show. But they came
back at 10 PM. Why?
A: Because the movie's name was "Dastak" (Das-tak in Hindi means uptill
10 O' clock)
Museum administrator: That's a 500 year old statue you've broken.
Santa: Thank God! I thought it was a new one!
Q: Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
A: They named him Sum Ting Wong
A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
Banta is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body
cast. One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and
said, "Don't move- I'll be right back"
When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth.
She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you
can't even move?"
"I hiccupped"
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are
going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know
everything about you."
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."
From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a
small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts"
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he replied. "We just tell them straight out
that they're going to die"
Q: What's the difference between people who pray in church and those
who pray in casinos?
A: The ones in the casinos are serious
Q: What is difference between man and Superman?
A: Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the
trouser
Sailor (reading from book of facts): "Do you know that every
time I breathe a man dies?" Banta: "Why don't you use a mouth wash?"
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was
a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it"
Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Son: Well, where did you get mummy then?
A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV when the phone rang.
Husband picked it up, listened for a minute then screamed, "How the
hell would I know? Call the weather bureau!"
Wife: "What was that all about?"
Husband replied, "Aw, it was just some dumb dork wanting to know if the
coast was clear"
Girl: Have you seen my identical twin sister anywhere?
Santa: No. How does she look like ??
Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon
with a woodpecker?
He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination,
but knocks on the door when it gets there
Q: What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal
thermometer?
A: The taste
An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and
deposits a poopy little present on the woman's head.
"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."
"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a
bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts
loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the
drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunks replies," I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn"
One night a school boy came home rather depressed.
"What's the matter, son? asked his father.
"Bad news, Dad" said the boy. "It's my grades. They are all wet."
"What do you mean by 'all wet'?"
"Below C-level," replied the son
Q: Why was math book depressed?
A: It had nothing but probs
Woman: One of your bees just stung me. I want you to do
something about it.
Beekeeper: Certainly, Madam. Just show me which bee it was and I'll
have it punished
Sign in wallpaper and paint store: "Husbands choosing colors
must have note from wives"
Banta goes up to a policeman and asks, "Excuse me, officer,
but did you know that my wife has had an affair?"
The policeman, surprised, "No! I didn't know"
Banta breathed deeply, exclaiming, "So I'm not the last one to know
after all"
While filling out an employment application, Santa paused over
the question, "Person to notify in case of an accident."
After some thought, he finally wrote, "Anybody in sight"
Santa is driving down a road and sees a sign that says, "Watch
for Fallen Rocks."
A few kilometres later, he sees some rocks at the side of the road,
so he stops and picks them up.
When he gets to the next town, he carries the rocks into the Highway
Maintenance office and puts them on the counter.
"Here are your fallen rocks," he says to the man behind the
counter. "Now where is my watch?"
Jeeto: You say I look old but people still praise me.
Santa: It must be Banta.
Jeeto: How do you know?
Santa: He is a SCRAP DEALER
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me
Doc: Next please
Women are like computers...
as soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a
little longer you could have had a better model
Q: Why did the blonde buy a brown cow?
A: To get chocolate milk"
Titanic is going to be drowned. Everybody in the ship is
shouting, crying, running or praying to God, just then a passenger
asked the captain of the ship.
Passenger: How far is land, from here?
Captain: Two miles...
Passenger: Only two miles, Then why are these fools making noise. I
have got the experience of swimming even more.
Captsin: .....!@#$% ...??
Passenger: Just tell me which side, land is two miles from here ?
Captain: Downwards...
Eve to Adam: Do you love me?
Adam nonchalantly: Who else?
Santa to his girlfriend: Darling, am I the first man you ever kissed?
Girlfriend: Of course, you are the first man I've ever kissed! Why
do all men ask the same silly question?
Q: How did Santa cheat the railways?
A: He bought the ticket and didn't travel
Q: Why did Santa take his pregnant wife Jeeto to Pizza Hut?
A: Because they advertised 'free delivery'
Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."
Osama consults a psychic about the date of his death.
Psychic: You will die on an American holiday.
Osama: Which one?
Psychic: Anyday you die shall be an American holiday
Man's greatest enemy is alcohol, but the Bible says, "
Love thy enemy!"
My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?"
The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Q: What has 4 wheels and flies?
A: A garbage truck
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: February eleventh.
Q: What year?
A: Every year
Santa to a girl: I want to marry you.
Girl: But, I am a year elder to you.
Santa: Then, I'll marry you next year
Rabbi answers his phone.
"Hello is this Rabbi ?"
"It is."
"This is a tax auditor from the IRS. Can you help me?"
"I'll try."
"Do you know a Sam?"
"I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is."
"Did he donate $10,000?"
"He will."
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized
that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for
forgiveness
Last week I asked my wife what she wanted as a present for her birthday.
"Oh, I don't know," she said. "Just give me something with diamonds."
That's why I'm giving her a pack of playing cards
Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat
man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat
doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole,
there's a guy who specializes in your hole. They make an entire
career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat
doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you
to a surgeon. Why? So he can make a new hole!
I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The
closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes
Q: What do you call a wicked witch who lives by the sea?
A: A sand-witch
Q: Why does a witch ride on a broom?
A: Vacuum cleaners have to be plugged into the wall
Q: Where do vampires live?
A: In the Vampire State Building
Q: What is a vampires favorite mode of transportation?
A: A blood vessel
Q: Why was Dracula not at his desk?
A: He was on his coffin break
Q: What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A: A cereal killer..
Q: What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A: "Do you believe in people?"
Q: How do you stop a Pakistani tank?
A: Shoot the guys pushing it
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay
his bill, so he gave him another six months
Santa could not understand why his sister had two brothers and he only
had one
Banta: "Hey, pal! You've been standing there watching me fish
for three hours! Why don't you get a rod and reel and do some fishing
yourself?"
Santa:: "No, thanks. I don't have the patience for it"
Ravan decides to apologise to Ram.
Ram opens the door.
Ravan blankly starres at Ram & can you guess whate he is thinking?
Sala kiss moonh se maafi maangu
Santa, "I suppose this horrible looking thing is what you call modern art?
Art dealer, "I beg your pardon sir, that is a mirror
On the first day of marriage, the husband is treated like god...
after that the letters reversed
Its funny when people debate over love marriage vs arranged marriage
Its like asking them if they did like to hang themselves or shoot their
brains out
Indian soldiers capture an intruder at Kashmir border. They
give him a dice and tell him that if throw between 1 and 5, he would be
shot
The intruder says what if he throws six?
They reply that he'll get another throw
Santa and Banta are waiting at a bus stop, when a bus pulls up and opens
the door.
Banta leans inside and asks the driver, "Will this bus take me to
Chandigarh?"
The bus driver shakes his head and says, "No, I'm Sorry."
At this Santa leans inside, smiles and twitters, "Will it take ME?"
The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He
called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to
mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison. "Okay, dad, you get the toy."
By the time Santa arrived at the football game, the first half was almost
over.
"Why are you so late?" Banta asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to Gurudwara and coming to
the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."
Q: What are the signs of iron deficiency?
A: Crumpled clothes
Santa and Jeeto are lying in bed. Santa says: "I am going to
make you the happiest woman in the world"
Jeeto says: "I'll really miss you"
"Darling," said Banta to his new bride, Preeto, "Now that we
are married, do you think you will be able to live on my small income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she replied. "But what will you live on?"
A visitor to Australia has a car accident and is taken to
hospital unconscious. The next day he comes to and asks "Did I come here
to die?"
A doctor replies "Naw mate, ya came here yesterday"
Santa and Banta bought a truckload of watermelons, paying one
rupee a piece for them. Then they drove to the market and sold all
their melons for the SAME price they'd paid for them.
After counting their money at the end of the day, they realize they
ended up with no more money than they started with.
"See!" said Santa. "I told you we should have got a bigger truck"
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical and a good cook.....
But the law allows only one wife
Q: What's the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a comma has its pause
at the end of a clause
The editor of a small country newspaper, furious over several
government bills that had recently been passed, printed a scathing
editorial with an enormous headline: "HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE
CROOKS"'.
Many local Politicians were outraged and exerted tremendous pressure
on him to print a retraction. He finally gave in to the pressure and
ran his apology with the headline:
"HALF THE LEGISLATORS ARE NOT CROOKS"
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong
Judge: You are charged with throwing your mother-in-law out of
your fourth-story window.
Banta: I did it without thinking, your Honor.
Judge: Thats no excuse! Don't you see how dangerous it might have
been for anyone passing by at the time?
Santa goes over to Banta's house all bruised and his clothes torn.
Banta says, "Man, where have you been?"
"I just got back from burying my mother-in-law"
Banta: "How did you get all bruised and your clothes torn from
burying your mother-in-law?"
"She wouldn't lie still"
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class about the
difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take
another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket
and take his billfold with all his money, what would I be?"
Little Johnny raises his hand, and with a confident smile, he blurts
out, "you'd be his wife"
Doctors can be frustrating. You wait a month-and-a-half for an
appointment, and he says, "I wish you'd come to me sooner"
Q: Do you know why the U.S. troops can't find Osama Bin Laden?
A: He walked into a shoe store last month, bought some Odour-Eaters,
and hasn't been seen since
Q: How does Santa kill a fish?
A: He drowns it
Q: How did Santa try to kill the bird?
A: He threw it off a cliff
Q: Why'd the blonde bury her driver's license?
A: Because it had expired
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking
around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting Flies" he responded.
"Oh, killing any?" she asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."
A married couple was celebrating their 60th wedding
anniversary. At the party everybody wanted to know how they managed
to stay married so long in this day and age.
The husband responded "When we were first married we came to an
agreement. I would make all the major decisions and my wife would
make all the minor decisions. And in 60 years of marriage we have
never needed to make a major decision."
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel
really good today. I started out this morning with an act of
unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."
"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just
give away. What did you husband say about it?"
"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Police officer.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying for years."
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next
morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.
"Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the
rest of my life digging a grave!"
A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala
charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the
pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.
"Great idea!" the chicken cried.
"Let's offer them ham and eggs?"
"Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a
contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."
Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man likes you!"
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized
that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for
forgiveness.
Two drunks, Santa and Banta, were walking home along the railway tracks.
Banta says: There's a hell of a lot of steps here.
Santa: I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down.
Q: Why couldn't the peanut butter cross the road?
A: Because there was a traffic jam
Q: Why did the pony have a sore throat?
A: Because he was a little horse
Q: Why does a tiger have stripes?
A:So he won't be spotted
Q: Which day is stronger, Sunday or Monday?
A: Sunday. Monday is a weekday
Q: Why does a blonde only change diaper on her baby once a month?
A: Because it says good for up to 20 pounds
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours
to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the
very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
A couple goes to the Doctors office, the man who has a hearing
problem is there for a physical, the doctor tells the man he will
need a urine and stool sample, The man says Hunh ! The docor repeats
himself I will need a urine and stool sample, hunh ! this time the
man looks at his wife and asks what did he say?
The wife answers in a loud voice "HE NEEDS TO SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud
Santa: Why are all those people running?
Banta: They are running a race to get a cup.
Santa: Who will get the cup?
Banta: The person who wins.
Santa: Then why are all the others running?
Son: "I know what the Bible means!"
Father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible
means?"
Son replied, "I do know!"
"Ok," said his father. "So, son, what does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy. It stands for Basic Information Before Leaving Earth."
Santa: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Jeeto: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears.
Santa: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Jeeto: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other
problem can there be greater than this one?"
A motorist confessed to a farmer, "Unfortunately I've run over
your rooster - but I'll replace it, of course."
"Okay," said the farmer, "Then be here tomorrow morning at four o'clock
sharp."
"Tell me Doctor," asked Santa, "When I stand on my head, the
blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to my feet?
"That's because your feet aren't empty," replied the Doctor.
Did you hear about the terrorists who took a courthouse full
of lawyer hostage? They threatened to release one lawyer every hour
unless their demands were net
"Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle.
"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your
life."
"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow," protested his nephew.
"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."
"Mr Banta, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the
divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife Rs 10,000 a
month."
"That's very generous and fair of you, your honour," Banta said.
"And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Santa stepped on one of those penny scales that tells fortune
and weight and dropped in a coin.
"Listen to this," he said to Jeeto, showing her a small, white
card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover."
"Yeah," Jeeto nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Jeeto complained to Preeto, "Rosey told me that you told her
the secret I told you not to tell her."
"Well," replied Preeto in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you I told her."
"Oh dear!" sighed Jeeto. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me."
An English professor wrote the words "woman without her man is
nothing" on the blackboard and directed her students to punctuate it
correctly.
The male students wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The female students wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
Preeto: There's trouble with the car. It has water in the
carburetor. Banta: Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous.
Preeto: I tell you the car has water in the carburetor. Banta: You
don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the
car? Preeto: In the pool.
Three insane men walk out of a mental hospital hoping to escape.
The first says, "If there's a high fence, we'll dig under it!"
The second says, "If there's a low fence, we'll jump over it!"
The third says, "Well, we're out of luck, boys, there is no fence,"
So instead they just went back to their rooms.
Santa: "During my operation, Nurse, I heard the surgeon use a
four-letter word that upset me very much."
Nurse: "What word was that?"
Santa: "Oops!"
Late one night at the insane asylum Banta shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another one said, "How do you know?"
Banta said, "God told me!"
Just then, Santa from another room shouted, "I did NOT!!!"
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if
there is anybody in Room 27
She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that
the room is empty
"Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."
Pakistan's worst air disaster occurred today when a small 2
seater plane crashed into a cemetery this morning. Pakistan search
and rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies so far and expect that
the number will climb as the digging continues into the night
Jeeto: What do you mean by coming home half drunk?
Santa: It's not my fault...I ran out of money
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now
Auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has
lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of
$2,000."
After a moment's silence from the back of the room came the cry, "Two
thousand five hundred!"
Santa: You know, Jeeto, our son got his brain from me.
Jeeto: I think he did, I've still got mine with me
Teacher: Sonu, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the
same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
Sonu: No, teacher, it's the same dog
Dad: Son, what do you want for your birthday?
Son: Not much dad, Just a radio with a sports car around it
Teacher: Now, Sonu, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sonu : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook
Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear
about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to
hear about the way his mother cooked
Q: A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary
took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.
A: A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby-sitter"
Santa, "Doctor, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off my dog's
tail".
The vet stepped back, "Santa, why should I do such a terrible thing?
"Because my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want
anything to make her think she's welcome."
Q: Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
Q: What's the difference between a marriage and a mental hospital?
A: At a mental hospital you have to show improvement to get out
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives
teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to
sit down and shut up!
Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon
with a woodpecker?
He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination,
but knocks on the door when it gets there
By the time Martin arrived at the football game, the first
quarter was almost over.
"Why are you so late?" his friend asked.
"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming
to the game."
"How long could that have taken you?"
"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."
Did you hear about the X-ray specialist who married one of his
patients? Everybody wondered what he saw in her
The 3 fastest means of communication:
Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman
Q: What is difference between man and Superman?
A: Man wears underwear under the trouser and superman wears it over the
trouser
Eve to Adam: What do you mean the kids don't look like you?
Q: What's the difference between the Government and the Mafia?
A: One of them is organized
Q: Why did the blonde crash her plane when landing?
A: "The runway was only 25ft long, but a mile wide"
Joe: "My uncle knew a month before his death the exact date he
was going to die."
Moe: "How did he know?"
Joe: "The judge told him"
"Tell me Doctor," asked a patient, "When I stand on my head,
the blood rushes to it. Why doesn't it rush to me feet now?"
"That's because your feet aren't empty," replied the Doctor
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
The First Law of Philosophy: For every philosopher, there
exists an equal and opposite philosopher.
The Second Law of Philosophy: They're both wrong
Q: What does Hellen Kellers parents do to punish her?
A: They changed the furniture around
Q: How can you tell a bachelor from a married man?
A: A bachelor comes to work from a different direction each morning
Mother: "Soooo... you want to become my son-in-law."
Suitor: "No, but I don't see any other way to marry your daughter."
Q: What do you call a letter delivered from a chimney?
A: Black mail
Scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female
hormones. To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer
and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't
drive
Q: What's the difference between a married man and a bachelor?
A: One kisses the Mrs and the other misses the kisses
A husband was resting next to wife on the couch with his head
in her lap. Wife carefully removed his glasses.
ï‚"You know, honey,ï‚" She said sweetly, ï‚"Without your glasses you
look like the same handsome young man I married.ï‚"
ï‚"Honey,ï‚" he replied, ï‚"Without my glasses, you
still look pretty good too!ï‚"
A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said,
ï‚"Iï‚'ve lost my dad!ï‚"
The cop asked, ï‚"Whatï‚'s he like?ï‚"
The little boy replied, ï‚"Beer and women!ï‚"
Santa: "I passed your house yesterday."
Banta: "Thanks I appreciate it."
Jeeto: Why don't you give your husband a divorce?"
Preeto: "What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should
make him happy?"
Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?
A: Post Office
Q: What does Tarzan sing at Christmas?
A: Jungle Bells
Q: Why couldn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A: He had no body to go with
Near-tragedy at the mall- There was a power outage, and Santa
and Banta were stuck on the escalators for over four hours
Lady Astor once said to Winston Churchill at a party, "Sir, if
you were my husband, I would put poison in your tea."
To which Churchill retorted, "And Madame, if you were my wife, I would
drink it!"
Sunny's teacher sent a note home to his Mother saying,
"Sunny seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time
thinking about girls."
The Mother wrote back the next day, "If you find a solution, please
advise. I have the same problem with his Father."
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping..
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in
her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag
there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found
a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
A Man goes to the doctor for some tests. Few weeks later he asks for the
results.
Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.
Man: I suppose I better have the good news first.
Doctor: Weï‚'re going to name a disease after you
Q: When do you know you are overweight?
A: When you are sunbathing on the beach and a Greenpeace-activist
tries to roll you back into the sea
Santa: Hi. I'm looking for a good buy
Salesman: Oh. Ok. Goodbye
Santa: In your opinion, what is the height of stupidity?
Banta: How tall are you?
Banta: I got an anonymous letter.
Santa: From whom ?
Santa: How did you get that horrible swelling on your nose?
Banta: I bent down to smell a brose
Santa: There isn't a B in rose.
Banta: There was in this one!
Jeeto: What are you doing?
Santa: Washing myself, of course
Preeto: Without soap and water?
Santa: Haven't you ever heard of dry cleaning
"What do use for washing dishes?"
"Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best."
Why did you hit your husband with a chair?"
"I couldn't lift the table."
Santa has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark
Q: Why do pipers always walk when they play ?
A: Moving targets are harder to hit
A drunken man gets on the bus late one night and sits next to an elderly
woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you,
you're going straight to hell!"
Man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Dammmmmn, I'm on the wrong
bus!"
Q: Why don't anteaters get sick ?
A: Because they're full of anty-bodies !
One day as Santa came home early from work, he saw a guy joggingnaked.
Santa asked, "Hey, why are you doing that?"
He said, "Because you came home early."
Santa took his dog to the vet.
"Doctor," he said sadly, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to cut off
my dog's tail."
Doc stepped back in shock, "Why should I do such a terrible thing?"
"Actually my mother-in-law's arriving tomorrow, and I don't want
anything to make her think she's welcome."
Q: How does a cop open a can ?
A: He points the gun to it and shouts: "Police, open up! You are
surrounded!"
Q: Why is the Police nicknamed "The heart of the country" ?
A: It beats, beats, beats...
Q: Why there are always two cops in a car patrol ?
A: In case the siren won't work, one of them to scream "Wouuuu-
Wouuuuu" and the other - "Blue, Red, Blue, Red, Blue, Red.."
Q: What did the sea say to the shore ?
A: Nothing...it just waved
Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying ?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving
Q: Who won the skeleton beauty contest ?
A: No body
Q: Why did Santa fall out the window ?
A: He was ironing the curtain
A man was prosecuted. The judge asked him, "Don't you need a lawyer?"
To which he replies, "No, I don't need any, I'm going to tell the truth."
Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for
directions
Banta was driving down the highway past a sign that
said "CLEAN TOILETS 8 Kms". By the time he drove eight Km, he had
cleaned 14 toilets
Q: Why did the Santa tip-toe past the medicine cabinet ?
A: So he wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills
Q: Why did the Santa stand in front of a mirror with his eyes closed ?
A: He wanted to see what he looked like asleep
Q: Why did it take the Santa a whole week to wash three basement
windows ?
A: It took him six days just to dig the holes to put the ladder in
Q: Why did the Banta take his new scarf back to the store ?
A: It was too tight
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer ?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain
Q: What's the advantage of being married to a blonde ?
A: You can park in handicapped zones
Q: Why did the blonde quit his job as a restroom attendant ?
A: He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk ?
A: The cow fell on her
Santa and Banta are taking a walk, and Banta goes, "Oh look, a
dead bird," and Santa looks up at the sky and goes, "Where?"
The statement below is true
The statement above is false
On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK"
Q: What do you do when a Santa throws a pin at you ?
A: Run like crazy....he's got a hand grenade in his mouth
Q: What do you do when Santa throws a hand grenade at you ?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back
Q: What will Santa do if he wants an additional white sheet of
paper ? (he already has one and he wants one more..)
A: He takes a photcopy of the white paper
Q: What will Santa do after taking photocopies ?
A: He will compare it with the original for spelling mistakes!!
Santa: I have to learn Telugu within 6 months or I'll not be
able to communicate with my child.
Banta: Is it ! Why ?
Santa: I have adopted a telugu child and he will start to speak
after 6 months
Santa: " What`s the weather like ?"
Banta: "I don`t know --it's so foggy that I can't see"
Santa: The aeroplane is so big. How is it painted ?
Banta: When it flies in the air, it will become small and it is easily painted
Q: God gave you 2 legs to walk, 2 hands to to hold, 2 ears to
hear, 2 eyes to see- but why did He give you only one heart ?
A: Because He gave the other one to someone for you to find
Two cannibals were crossing a bridge. It was narrow, high, and somewhat
slippery.
The male cannibal asked gallantly, "May I offer you my arm?"
The female answered, " No thanks...I had breakfast."
A woman phoned the laundry to report, "There's been a mistake.
You sent me a pair of pyajamas, and I don't have a husband."
The laundry clerk replied, " Don't worry... we'll send a man over right
away."
A pregnant blonde sreeched at her doctor, " You lied to me!
You said that IUD Coil worl like the Pill. Well, it didn't.., and
besides, it was a whole lot harder to swallow."
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see a blonde
behind the wheel knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn, and yelled,
PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary: "Why
did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those people
were feeling bored!"
The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but
I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3 copies of the speech."
1st Lawyer: You're a fool
2nd Lawyer: And you're a damn fool.
Judge : As the learned lawyers have now identified each other, can
we now proceed with the case
Q: If a blonde and a brunette jump out of an airplane at the
same time, which one would hit the ground first ?
A: The brunette ; the blonde would have to stop to ask directions.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
in the road ?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why did the Santa climb the glass wall ?
A: To see what was on the other side.
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that
I'm going to shoot him!"
Q: What's the difference between in-laws and out-laws?
A: Outlaws are wanted
Q: How is a blonde like a bottle of beer?
A: They're both empty from the neck up
A gathering was called to mourn the death of a retired
Principal. After praising his qualities, the speech ended
saying, 'It was so sad that our beloved Principal had to answer the
call of nature so soon '.
Not to be outdone, the college paid a equally moving tribute: May
his soul rest in piss (peace)
Policeman: Why didn't you stop when you saw the zebra crossing, Sir ?
Banta: Such animals should be kept in a zoo, officer !
Banta put up a sign-board on his shop bearing these
words."Letters typed in three languages."
Next day his Rival, Santa, displayed a bigger board
saying: "Photostat copies prepared in all languages
In the corridor of a government office was a signboard reading "Don't
make a noise."
someone added the following words: "Otherwise we may wake up"
Teacher: There is no difficulty in the world we can not overcome.
Pupil: Have you ever tried squeezing the toothpaste back into the tube,
Sir?
Man : I hate Paying Taxes.
Lady : A good citizen should pay his taxes with a smile.
Man : I tried that but they insisted on money
Santa: That cow is a lovely colour.
Farmer: Yes ,it's a jersey.
Santa: Oh, I thought it was its skin !
While taking the interview the Employer asked the candidate,
" How long did you work during your last job."
Candidate said 30 years.
The employer asked Whatï‚'s your age?
The reply was 20.
The employer was surprised and asked the candidate that how it is
possible that you are 20 and have a experience of 30 years.
The reply was Overtime.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.
HE: What would you say if I asked u to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time!!!
HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why, are you leaving?
HE: Hi!didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!
A man, upon his engagement, went to his father and said,
"I've found a woman just like mother!"
His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."
"And what was he before you married him?"asked the friend.
The woman replied, "A billionaire"
The next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: "You can have mine"
Santa went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told, it would defeat the purpose.
Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.
After a dinner speech, the speaker scolded his secretary:
"Why did you write such a long speech for me? You saw how those people
were feeling bored!"
The secretary replied, "Sir, it wasn't a lengthy speech at all; but
I did make one mistake- I gave you all 3 copies of the speech."
If a man is bald at the front, he is a thinker.
If he is bald at the back, he is sexy.
If he is bald from front to back - he thinks he is sexy.
Q: What's the quietest place in the world?
A: The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.
The biggest seller is cookbooks, and the second is diet books
about how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook
A man is giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He gets a bit
carried away and talks for two hours. Finally, he realizes what he
is doing and says; "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room says, "There's a calendar behind you."
Teacher: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
Johnny: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
A professor was one day walking along a very narrow street
when he came face to face with a rival. The street was too narrow
for two to pass. The rival, pulling himself up to his full height,
said haughtily "I never make way for fools!"
Smiling, the professor stepped aside and said, "I always do."
America has drive-in theaters, drive-in supermarkets, drive-in
restaurants, and drive-in banks.
What it needs now are more drive-in parking places
Young Stan told his father that when he grew up he wanted to drive a big
Army tank.
'Well, son,' said his dad, 'if that's what you want to do, I won't stand in
your way."
How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other
Santa walked up to the front desk of the library and said, "I
borrowed a book last week, but it was the most boring I've ever
read. There was no story whatsoever, and there were far too many
characters!"
The Librarian replied, "oh, you must be the person who took our phone
book."
A blonde walked into a library and said,"Can I have a burger and fries?"
The librarian said, "Sorry, this is a library."
So the blonde whispered, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
Two men were sitting in a bar, discussing their lives.
One said, "I'm getting married. I'm tired of a messy apartment,
dirty dishes, and no clothes to wear."
The other one said, "I'm getting divorced for the same reasons."
Husband: U know, wife, our son got his brain from me.
Wife: I think he did, I've still got mine with me!
"My mother-in-law was bitten by a mad dog in the street."
"Oh, that's terrible !"
"Yes, it was terrible to watch the dog die slowly in convulsions."
Patient: "I always see spots before my eyes."
Doctor: "Did'nt the new glasses help?"
Patient: "Sure, now I see the spots much clearer."
Q: What do you do if Santa throws a grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back!
"Should women have children after 35?"
"No, 35 children are enough"
A little boy asked his mother, "Mummy, am I descended from a monkey?"
The mother replied, "I don t know, son, I never met your father's folks."
A sign was place at the entrance of the large machinery plant.
It said "Warning to young ladies: if u wear loose clothes, beware of
the machinery. If u wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist."
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that`s a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: Why did the blonde bury her driver's license?
A: Because it had expired!
Q: Why did the retired basketball player become a judge ?
A: To stay on the court.
What Nationality Were Adam and Eve?
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and
Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to
eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
An English professor wrote the words, 'Woman without her man is nothing' on the
blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: 'Woman, without her man, is nothing.'
The women wrote: 'Woman: Without her, man is nothing.'
How many software engineers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to
maintain it afterwards.
How to travel without ticket
Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the
station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers
bought only one ticket.
'How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?' asked an accountant.
'Watch and you'll see', answered an engineer.
They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three
engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the
train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom
door and said, 'Ticket, please'.
The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand.
The conductor took it and moved on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference,
the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money
(being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single
ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.
'How are you going to ride without a ticket'? said one perplexed accountant.
'Watch and you'll see', answered an engineer.
When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the
three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward,
one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the
accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, 'Ticket, please.'
Software Professionals
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by
men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is
on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for
women to find potential mates among their peers.
However, software types have a well-earned reputation
for being a little strange. While discussing the
prospect of working in the software industry, one woman
commented to another:
'The odds are good, but the goods are odd.'
Human body
Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed
the human body.
The first fellow says 'I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and
muscle and sense of balance.' The other three nod there heads and say 'Yeah, could be.'
The second fellow says 'I think it might be an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous
system and neural network.' The other three nod there heads and say 'Yeah, could be.'
The third fellow says 'I think it might be a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal
balances and metabolism.' The other three nod there heads and say 'Yeah, could be.'
The fourth fellow snaps his fingers and shouts out 'I know, it HAD to have been a Civil
engineer!' The other three ask 'Why?'
'Well' says the fourth fellow, 'who else would put a waste water drainage right through a
recreational area!'
Bill
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After
serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem
they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything
and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on
the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At
the end of the day, he marked a small 'x' in chalk on a particular component of the
machine and proudly stated, 'This is where your problem is'.
The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a
bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting
of his charges.
The engineer responded briefly:
One chalk mark $1 Knowing where to put it $49,999.
Microsoft Engineer.
Three engineers go by car on a trip. One chemical engineer, an electrical engineer and
another Microsoft engineer. On the way, the car breaks down.
The chemical engineer says ' The car broke down because i think there must be some
incomplete combustion of the fuel.'
The electrical engineer says'Oh! No. The wire in the carburrettor must have got snapped.'
The Microsoft engineer says ' Let us get down, shut all the car windows, get in, open all
the windows and then start the car !!!
Improvements in Hell
An engineer died & was sent to hell by mistake. Life in hell was very uncomfortable, so the
engineer decided to install air conditioning, lifts, flush toilets & a host of other modern
conveniences. One day God rang Satan to ask how things were in hell.
'Great!' replied Satan.
'Our engineer has made all kinds of improvements down here.'
'What are you doing with an engineer!' thundered God.
'That engineer must be sent up to heaven immediately or I'll ue!'
'Oh really?' replied Satan.
'And just where do you intend to find a lawyer.
Company trainings
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished
and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very
carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of
water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, 'At Hewlett
Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough.'
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands.
He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available
portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, 'At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we
trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.'
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder,
'At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands.'
When I Was Your Age ...
The minister was passing a group of young teens sitting on the church lawn
and stopped to ask what they were doing.
"Nothing much, Pastor," replied one boy. "We were just seeing who can tell
the biggest lie about their sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" he scolded. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never
even thought about sex."
In unison they all replied, "You win!"
A man goes to doctor because he needs a brain transplant.He asks the doctor how much
brains cost,the doctor replies
'Female brain £20, male brain £250.'
The man asks why is the male brain so expensive?
the doctor replies
'female brain has been used,male brain hasn't
A man who had just undergone a very complicated operation kept complaining about a
bump on his head and a terrible headache. Since his operation had been an intestinal one,
there was no earthly reason why he should be complaining of a headache.
Finally his nurse, fearing that the man might be suffering from some post-operative shock,
spoke to the doctor about it.
The doctor assured the nurse, 'Don't worry about a thing. He really does have a bump on
his head. About halfway through the operation we ran out of anesthetic.'
A heart sergeon to a patient 'As you are OK now, you can climb the stairs to your flat in
10th floor.'
The patient delighted and said 'It is very pleasuring.You saved
me from climbing through the water-pipe to my floor everyday.
It was really too hard to me. '
A Gynaecologist was bored in his profession and decided to become a motor mechanic.He
did an yearlong course and at the end of it,sat for a practical exam.When the results came
he was surprised to get 150% marks.The doctor went and saw the teacher who had
marked his tests.This is what his teacher told him.
'I gave you 50% for dismantling the engine properly,50% for putting the engine back
properly and bonus 50% for having done all this thru' the muffler!'.
Patient: Doctor, you have to help me stop talking to myself.
Doctor: Why is that?
Patient: I'm a salesman and I keep selling myself things I don't want.
'The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks.'
'And did he?'
'Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill.'
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, you might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday
A senior citizen went to see his doctor.
'Doctor, I have a problem'
'And what might that be?' the doctor asked.
'Well, I have a bowel movement every morning at 6:30' said the man.
The doctor, then, did all the tests he could think of and found nothing.
'Well, the lab tests are all ok, but tell me how old you are' said the doctor
95 years old, replied the man.
Well, at that age having a bowel movement at 6:30 should be alright.
But doctor, I don't wake up until 7:0
A patient was taken to the operation room for an open heart surgery. As soon as he was in
the room, the patient started sweating and began to clench the sides of the stretcher.
Seeing him nervous, the doctor asked him, 'What's the problem?'
The patient replied, 'doctor, this is my first operation'.
'So what, this is the first operation for me too' said the doctor
''Doctor ,doctor, I've spent so long at my P.C. that I've got double vision.''
'Well , go around with one eye shut
Patient: I always see spots before my eyes.
Doctor: Didn't the new glasses help?
Patient: Sure, now I see the spots much clearer.
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons,
Civil Engineers build targets.
How many software engineers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Four. One to design the change, one to implement it, one to document it, and one to
maintain it afterwards.
How many maintenance programmers does it take to replace a light bulb?
Five. One to do it, and four to test it.
The software engineering field is staffed primarily by
men; the ratio of male to female software engineers is
on the order of 15 to 1. This makes it pretty easy for
women to find potential mates among their peers.
However, software types have a well-earned reputation
for being a little strange. While discussing the
prospect of working in the software industry, one woman
commented to another:
'The odds are good, but the goods are odd.'
Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished
and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very
carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of
water on his hands was dried. Turning to the other two engineers, he said, 'At Hewlett
Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough.'
The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands.
He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available
portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, 'At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we
trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient.'
The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder,
'At Apple Computer, Inc. we don't pee on our hands.'
If a man goes on a seven-day trip, he'll pack five days worth of clothes and will wear some
things twice; if a
woman goes on a seven-day trip she'll pack 21 outfits because she doesn't know what
she'll feel like wearing
each day.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
11 - 10 to form a committee and 1 to get her boyfriend to do it...
The husband says to his wife, 'You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.
Why?'
She says, 'When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and
the problem disappears.'
He smirks and replies, 'You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
She calmly replies, 'Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can
there be greater than this one?''
How Dogs and Women are the Same:
Both look stupid in hats.
Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.
Both tend to have 'hip' problems.
Neither understand football.
Both look good in a fur coat.
Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word you say.
Neither believe that silence is golden.
Both constantly want back rubs.
Neither can balance a checkbook.
You can never tell what either of them is thinking.
Two kids went into their parents bedroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner.
“Whatever you do,” cautioned one youngster to the other, “Don’t step on it!”
“Why not?” asked the sibling.
“Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!”
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a
lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband
stopped her with these words:
'Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the
highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home
and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had
only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had
discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I
bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her
slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small
for you now.
Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there
anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?'
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
A Woman's Dream
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He
wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: Dear Lord, I go to work every day
and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home.
I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a
day. Amen. God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man's wish. The next morning, sure
enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes,
fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up
the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went
grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced
the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. Then it was already 1 P.M. and he
hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen
floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way
home. Set out cookies and milk and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set
up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork
chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the
dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. he was exhausted and, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed
where he was expected to make love which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, 'Lord, I don't know
what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day.
Please, oh please, let us trade back.'
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, 'My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I
will be happy to change things back to the way they were. You'll just have to wait nine
months, though. You got pregnant last night.'
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by
side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all,
said:
'So, where y'all from?'
The New York girl said, 'From a place where they know better
than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence.'
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied:
'So, where y'all from, bitch?'
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads:
'For Women Only'. Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to
go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. 'We have 5 floors.
Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's
easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside.'
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: 'All the men on this floor are
short and plain.' The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: 'All the men here are short and handsome.'
Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: 'All the men here are tall and plain.'
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued
on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: 'All the men here are tall and handsome.' The
women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: 'There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove
that there is no way to please a woman.'
Marriage
A Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.
Success
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success.
What are the three types of men?
The handsome, the caring and the majority.
How do you confuse a man?
You don't have to - they're born that way
How does a man keep his youth?
By giving them money, furs and diamonds.
The theory used to be you marry an older man because they are more mature.
The new theory is that men don't mature.
So you might as well marry a younger one.
Men are like.....Bike helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly
Men are like frypans,
if you remove the handle, theyr'e not useful anymore.
Men are like parking spots.
- The good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? None, they're both the same,
steadily increasing in value, predictable and vastly undervalued by people who don't
understand them.
Two buddies meet in a bar for their high school reunion...
'how's your wife doing', asks one...the other replies..'man,..she's an angel!!, how about
yours'
'She's still alive..' comes the reply..
The problems with GUYS:
If u TREAT him nicely, he says u are IN LOVE with him;
If u Don't, he says u are PROUD.
If u DRESS Nicely, he says u are trying to LURE him;
If u Don't, he says u are from KAMPUNG.
If u ARGUE with him, he says u are STUBBORN;
If u keep QUIET, he says u have no BRAINS.
If u are SMARTER than him, he'll lose FACE;
If he's Smarter than u, he is GREAT.
If u don't Love him, he tries to POSSESS u;
If u Love him, he will try to LEAVE u.(very true huh?)
If u don't make love with him., he says u don't Love him;
If u do!! he says u are CHEAP.
If u tell him your PROBLEM, he says u are TROBLESOME;
If u don't, he says that u don't TRUST him.
If u SCOLD him, u are like a NANNY to him;
If he SCOLDS u, it is because he CARES for u.
If u BREAK your PROMISE, u Cannot be TRUSTED;
If he BREAKS his, he is FORCED to do so.
If u SMOKE, u are BAD girl;
If he SMOKES, he is a GENTLEMAN.
If u do WELL in your exams, he says it's LUCK;
If he does WELL, it's BRAINS.
If u HURT him, u are CRUEL;
If he HURTS u, u are too SENSITIVE!!
& sooo hard to please!!!!!
If u send this to guys, they will swear that it's not
true.......
but if u don't, they say u are selfish.....
The moral of the story is.......SEND THIS TO GUYS OUT THERE
ANYWAY... Send it to girls also, gives them some laughter ...
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, 'You
know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of
minutes?'
'Why?'
'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.'
Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge guy
behind the counter bellows 'One burger!', whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped
meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then
tosses it on the grill.
The old lady says, 'that's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.'
The counterman says, 'Yeah? You should be here in the morning when he makes the
doughnuts.'
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?
John, looking as if he had lost his last friend, entered a restaurant one morning and sat
down at a table. He told the waitress, 'Bring me two eggs fried hard, a slice of toast burned
to a cinder, and a cup of very weak coffee.' As she set the order in front of him, she asked,
'Anything else, Sir?' 'Yes,' he answered, 'Now sit down and nag me. I'm homesick!'
A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air
conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause
he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.
Amazingly, the waiter was very patient; he walked back and forth and never once got
angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.
'Oh, I really don't care or mind,' said the waiter with a smile. 'We don't even have an air
conditioner.'
Customer :Waiter ! I asked for Alu Paratha but I find no potatoes in it!'
Waiter :'What's in a name Sir ! If you ask for Kashmiri Pulav, will you expect to find
Kashmir in it?'
Bill and Doug went into a diner that looked as though it had seen better days. As they slid
in to a booth, Bill wiped some crumbs from the seat.
Then he took a napkin and wiped some moisture from the table. The waitress came over
and asked if they wanted some menus.
'No thanks,' said Doug. 'I'll just have a cup of black coffee.'
'I'll have black coffee too,' Bill said. 'And please make sure the cup is clean.'
The waitress shot him a nasty look. She turned and marched off in to the kitchen. Two
minutes later, she was back.
'Two cups of black coffee,' she announced. 'Which one of you wanted the clean cup?'
I had been doing Tech Support for Hewlett-Packard's DeskJet division for about a month
when I had a customer call with a problem I just couldn't solve. She could not print yellow.
All the other colors would print fine, which truly baffled me because the only true colors
are cyan, magenta, and yellow. For instance, green is a combination of cyan and yellow,
but green printed fine.
Every color of the rainbow printed fine except for yellow. I had the customer change ink
cartridges. I had the customer delete and reinstall the drivers. Nothing worked. I asked my
co-workers for help; they offered no new ideas.
After over two hours of troubleshooting, I was about to tell the customer to send the
printer in to us for repair when she asked quietly,
'Should I try printing on a piece of white paper instead of this 'yellow' construction paper?'
Cricket and Divorce
The Judge (J.) asks the little girl (LG): Now that your parents are getting divorced do you
want to live with your mummy?
LG - No, my mummy beats me.
J. - Well then, I guess you want to live with your daddy.
LG - No, my daddy beats me too.
J. - Well then, who do you want to live with?
LG - I want to live with the Indian Cricket team, they never beat anybody!!!
Lawyers & Engineers
A group of attorneys had to measure the height of a flag pole for evidence to support a
lawsuit. They went out to the flagpole with ladders and a tape measure.
They proceed to fall off the ladders and drop the tape measure, the whole thing was just a
mess.
An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do. He walks over, pulls the
flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the
measurements to one of the attorneys and walks away.
After the engineer has gone, one attorney turns to another and
What to Do
The young army doctor was stationed at a remote
dispensary in the South Pacific.
One day he was puzzled about treatment for one of
his patients.
He radioed a base hospital:
'Have case of beriberi. What shall I do?'
A prankster got hold of the message.
This was the reply:
'Give it to the Marines. They'll drink anything.'
If Microsoft built cars
Top Ten ways things would be different if Microsoft built cars:
1. A Particular model year of car wouldn't be available until AFTER that year, instead of
before.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.
3. Occassionally your car would just die for no reason and you'd have to restart it. For
some strange reason, you would just accept this.
4. You could only have one person at a time in your car, unless you bought a car '95 or a
car NT, but then you would have to buy more seats.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car. Wait a second, it's that way
NOW!
6. Sun Microsystems would make a car that was solar powered, twice as reliable, 5 times
as fast, but only ran on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, alternator, gas, and engine warning lights would be replaced with a single
'General Car Fault' warning light.
8. People would get excited about thew new features in Microsoft cars, forgetting
completely that they had been available in other brands for years.
9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft Gas (tm).
10. Ford, General Motors, and Chrylser would all be complaining because Microsoft was
putting radios in all its models.
Canon printer
A woman called the Canon help desk because she was having a
problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was
'running it under Windows.'
The woman responded, 'No, my desk is next to the door. But
that's a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to
me is under a window and his is working just fine.'
sell them!'
Windows means?
Windows means 'Work Is Never Done On Windows Systems'
123india.com : Jokes : Computers and Internet : Terminology
Windows97 in Hindi
Posted by : govindag on 26/6/2001 • Rate this joke Rating :
Bill Gates was in India a few days ago.
He announced that Microsoft plans to release a windows version in Hindi.
Here are some Windows related terms that may be used in the Hindi version of...
Khidkiyan97:
Phaail = File
Bachao = Save
Aise Bachao = Save as
Subko Bachao = Save All
Mujhe Bachao = Help
Dhoondo = Find
Firse Dhoondo = Find Again
Hilao = Move
Daak = Mail
Daakiya = Mailer
Paas se dhekho = Zoom
Duur se dhekho = Zoom Out
Kholo = Open
Bandh Karo = Close
Naya = New
Khatara = Old
Badli Karo = Replace
Bhaago = Run
Chhaapo = Print
zekh Ke Chhaapo = Print Preview
Kaapi = Copy
Kaato = Cut
Kato = Stupid Houseguest
Chipkao = Paste
Payshul Chipkao = Paste Special
Goli Maaro = Delete
Nazaara = View
Hathiyaar = Tools
Hathiyaar Khambha = Toolbar
Khuli Chaadar = Spreadsheet
Iska Bhi Naam Nahin Aata = Database
Futaas Ki Goli Kha = Exit
Ped = Tree
Thooso = Compress
Chooha = mouse
Tik-Tik Karo = Click
Idhar-se-Udhar.Udhar-se-Idhar = Scrollbar
Cheers !
123india.com : Jokes : Computers and Internet : Terminology
What is B2B/B2C
•
Is:
B2C: Back to Core (technologies)
B2B: Back to Basics (from all the hype)
Then.....
B2B - Bangalore 2 Boston
B2C - Bangalore 2 California
Now ....
B2B - Back to Bangalore
B2C - Back to Chennai
B2B WAP - Back to Bench, Without Any Project
May be Tomorrow.....
B2C - Back To College (to study either Mechanical or Civil!)
Memory & floppy
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3' floppy...you hoped nobody found out
Computer lingo
Compress was something you did to the garbage - Not something you did to a file.
And if you unzipped anything in public - you'd be in jail for awhile.
Log on was adding wood to the fire.
Hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And a backup happened in your commode.
Computer Lingo…
What does a baby computer call his father? Data
What is a computer’s first sign of old age? Loss of memory
What happened when the computer fell on the floor? It slipped a disk.
Why was there a bug in the computer? It was looking for a byte to eat.
What is a computer virus? A terminal illness.
Use of Computers
Here is an interesting excerpt from the conversation that a computer professional has
with his wife on returning home late from work.
Husband: Good Evening Dear, I'm now logged in.
Wife: Have you brought the groceries?
Husband: Bad command or filename.
Wife: What about my new TV?
Husband: Variable not found ...
Wife: At least, give me your Credit Card, I want to do some shopping.
Husband: Sharing Violation. Access denied ...
Wife: Do you love me or do you only love computers or are you just being funny?
Husband: Too many parameters ...
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you.
Husband: Data type mismatch.
Wife: You are a useless nut.
Husband: By Default.
Wife: What about your salary?
Husband: File in use ... Try after some time.
Wife: Who was in the car this morning?
Husband: System is unstable. Press CTRL ALT DEL to Reboot.
Wife: Care for a drink?
Husband: File system is full.
Wife: Who do you think I am?
Husband: Unknown Virus.
ACRONYMS
MICROSOFT-Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
IBM-I Blame Microsoft
WINDOWS-Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
BASIC-Bill's Attempt To Seize Industry Control
DOS-Defective Operating System
All Time
Ramu: Hey.... whats time now?
Somu: System time or local time...??
Software
All software should be programmed top-down...
Except the first time
Girlfriend 5.0
I'm currently running the latest version of Girlfriend 5.0 and having some problems. I've
been running the same version of DrinkingBuddies 1.0 for years as my primary
application, and all the Girlfriend releases have always conflicted with it. I hear that
DrinkingBuddies won't crash if you minimize Girlfriend with the sound off, but since I
can't find the switch to turn it off, I just run them separately and it works OK.
Macintosh Computers
MACINTOSH stands for...
Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs
Definition of Windows
Webster's Dictionary definition of Windows 95
Windows95: n.
32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system
originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can't stand 1
bit of competition.
Microsoft Engineer
Three Engineers and a Faulty Car
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a
Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three
engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to
trace where a fault might have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is
becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything,comes up with a
suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out,get back in, then open the windows
again, maybe it'll work!?
Computer Jokes
It says: 'Press Any Key'
It means: 'Press any key you like but I'm not moving.'
It says: 'Press A Key'
(This one's a programmers joke. Nothing happens unless you press the 'A' key.)
It says: 'Fatal Error. Please contact technical support quoting error
no. 1A4-2546512430E' It means: '... where you will be kept on hold for 10 minutes, only to
be told that it's a hardware problem.'
It says: 'Installing program to C:\....'
It means: '... And I'll also be writing a few files into c:\windows and c:\windows\system
where you'll NEVER find them.'
It says: 'Please insert disk 11'
It means: 'Because I know darn well there are only 10 disks.'
It says: 'Not enough memory'
It means: 'I don't CARE if you've got 64MB of RAM, I want to use the bit below 640K.'
It says: 'Cannot read from drive D:....'
It means: '... However, if you put the CD in right side up...'
It says: 'Please Wait....'
It means: '... Indefinitely.'
It says: 'Directory does not exist....'
It means: '.... any more. Whoops.'
It says: 'The application caused an error. Choose Ignore or Close.' It means: '....Makes no
difference to me, you're still not getting your work back
Platform
What does a Begger as a Software Programmer.
What Platform do you work on?
Who is Satan?
Q: Who is Satan?
A: Satan is an MIS director who takes credit for more powers than he actually possesses,
so people who aren't programmers are scared of him. God thinks of him as irritating but
irrelevant.
God's debugger
Q: Does God control everything that happens in my life?
A: He could, if he used the debugger, but it's tedious to step through all those variables.
Pay Problem
One software professional to another, 'They want to pay him what he is worth, but he
won't work that cheap.'
Health Care virus
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Public Television virus
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Freudian virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying to its own motherboard
Airline virus
You're in Dallas but your data is in Singapore
MCI virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Republican and Democrat
REPUBLICAN VIRUS:
Sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.
DEMOCRAT VIRUS:
Doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it
accuses you of being a 'mean-spirited extremist'.
Bug in the computer
Why was there a bug in the computer?
It was looking for a byte to eat.
US Viruses !
Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB and then slowly expands back to
200MB.
AT&T virus:
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI virus:
Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct virus:
Never calls itself a 'virus', but instead refers to itself as an 'electronic microorganism.'
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
Texas virus:
Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
Adam and Eve virus:
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Public Television virus:
Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
Health Care virus:
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
Nike virus:
Just does it.
Types of computer viruses
Right To Life virus: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you
attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives
Hillary Virus
Did you hear about the new computer virus? It is the Hillary Clinton Virus....all of your
files disappear and a year later...they just reappear and no fingerprints!
Bill Clinton Virus
•
BILL CLINTON VIRUS
It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files,
increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses
Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.
BILL CLINTON VIRUS #2
It tells you it's executing any program you want, whether or not it's on your computer.
BILL GATES VIRUS
This dominant strain searches for desirable features in all other viruses via the internet. It
then either engulfs the competing viruses or removes their access to computers until
they die out.
Adam & Eve Virus
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS
It takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
AIRBAG VIRUS
Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the
screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.
AIRLINE VIRUS
You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore
PASKISTANI VIRUS
hi Friends,
This is first of its kind CIV (client interactive virus)
=========================================================
Dear Receiver,
You have just received a Pakistani virus.
Since we are not so technologically advanced , this is a MANUAL virus.
Please delete all the files on your hard disk yourself and send this
mail to everyone you know.
Thank you very much for helping me.
Pakistani-1 Hacker
Trojan Horse Virus
FROM: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
TO: Trojan Army Listserv
RE: WARNING!! BEWARE GREEKS BEARING GIFTS!
Hey Hector,
This was forwarded to me by Cassandra--it looks legit. Please distribute to Priam,
Manisha, and your 99 siblings.
Thanks,
Laocoon
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
IF YOU RECEIVE A GIFT IN THE SHAPE OF A LARGE WOODEN HORSE DO NOT
DOWNLOAD IT!!!! It is EXTREMELY DESTRUCTIVE and will overwrite your ENTIRE CITY!
The 'gift' is disguised as a large wooden horse about two stories tall. It tends to show up
outside the city gates and appears to be abandoned. DO NOT let it through the gates! It
contains hardware that is incompatible with Trojan programming, including a crowd of
heavily armed Greek warriors that will destroy your army, sack your town, and kill your
women and children. If you have already received such a gift, DO NOT OPEN IT! Take it
back out of the city unopened and set fire to it by the beach.
FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
Poseidon
FROM: hector@studmuffin.com
TO: laocoon@doomgloom.edu
RE: Greeks bearing gifts
Laocoon,
I hate to break to you, but this is one of the oldest hoaxes there is. I've seen variants on
this warning come through on other listservs, one involving some kind of fruit that was
supposed to kill the people who ate it and one having to do with something called the
'Midas Touch.' Here are a few tipoffs that this is a hoax:
1) This 'Forward this message to everyone you know' crap. If it were really meant as a
warning about the Greek army, why tell anyone to post it to the Phonecians, Sumerians,
and Cretans?
2) Use of exclamation points. Always a giveaway.
3) It's signed 'from Poseidon.' Granted he's had his problems with Odysseus but he's one
of their guys, isn't he? Besides, the lack of a real header with a detailed address makes
me suspicious.
4) Technically speaking, there is no way for a horse to overwrite your entire city. A horse
is just an animal, after all. Next time you get a message like this, just delete it. I
appreciate your concern, but once you've been around the block a couple times you'll
realize how annoying this kind of stuff is.
Bye now,
Hector.
FROM: Daemon@listserv.doomgloom.edu
TO: hector@studmuffin.com
RE: Undeliverable mail
The following message had permanent fatal errors. Please check the email address (or
check to see that your intended recipient has not been swallowed up by a large sea
serpent).
Compu Virus
INTEREST GROUP ECONOMIST VIRUS - Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little
units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most
important part of the computer.
ECONOMETRICIAN VIRUS - Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their
data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of.
POLITICAL THINK TANK ECONOMIST VIRUS Doesn't do anything, but you can't get rid of
it until next election.
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS - nothing works on your system, but all your
diagnostic software says everything is just fine.
MARXIAN ECONOMIST VIRUS - Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
SOVIET ECONOMIST VIRUS - Crashes your computer, but denies it ever happened.
MAINSTREAM ECONOMIST VIRUS - It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your
PC and erases then in 'self-defense.'
CENTRAL BANK ECONOMIST VIRUS - Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
MULTINATIONAL CORPORATION ECONOMIST VIRUS - Deletes all monetary files, but
keeps smiling and sending messages about how the economy is going to get better.
SUPPLY SIDE ECONOMIST VIRUS - Puts your computer to sleep for four years. When
your computer wakes up, you're trillion more dollars in debt.
NEW ECONOMY VIRUS - Also known as the 'Tricky Dick Virus.' You can wipe it out, but it
always makes a comeback.
ENVIRONMENTAL ECONOMIST VIRUS - Before allowing you to delete any file, it first
asks you if you've considered the alternatives.
Insurance claim
Bill's barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.Polly told the
insurance company, 'We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.'
The agent replied, 'Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We
will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of
comparable worth.' There was a long pause before Polly replied, 'Then I'd like to cancel the
policy on my husband.'
Ten Commandments of E-mail
Thou shalt include a clear and specific subject line.
Thou shalt edit any quoted text down to the minimum thou needest.
Thou shalt read thine own message thrice before thou sendest it.
Thou shalt ponder how thy recipient might react to thy message.
Thou shalt check thy spelling and thy grammar.
Thou shalt not curse, flame, spam or USE ALL CAPS.
Thou shalt not forward any chain letter.
Thou shalt not use e-mail for any illegal or unethical purpose.
Thou shalt not rely on the privacy of e-mail, especially from work.
When in doubt, save thy message overnight and reread it in the light of the dawn.
AND THE GOLDEN RULE OF E-MAIL
That which thou findest hateful to receive, sendest thou not
Impressive
A businessman was sitting in the airport VIP lounge when he noticed Microsoft head Bill
Gates sitting on the couch enjoying a drink. He suddenly had a great idea to impress the
important client he was meeting to fly to Seattle.
So, he approached Mr. Gates and introduced himself. The businessman explained to the
software magnate that he was conducting some very important business, and how he
would really appreciate it if Gates could throw a quick 'Hello John' at him while he was
with his client. The famous man agreed.
Ten minutes later, the man was conversing with his client when he felt a tap on his
shoulder. It was Bill Gates. The businessman turned around and looked up as Gates
obligingly said, 'Hey Chris, what's happening?'
To which the man replied 'Take a Hike Gates! I'm in a meeting!'
Chai Chai
Why did the poor man drink coffee?
because he has no propertea
You earn how much ?
gather you earn more than the Prime Minister the nosey member asked his club's pro.
'Why not ?', came the reply, 'I'm a better player than he is !'
Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, 'It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a
wedding is that?'
The other says, 'Well, we have a name for it in my family.'
'What do you call it?'
'We call it a football wedding.'
The first asks, 'What's a football wedding?'
The other says, 'She's waiting for him to kick off!'
Statistician in Flight
A statistician refuses to fly after reading the alarmingly high
probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane. Later
hefinds that the probability of there being two bombs on any given
flight is very low.
Now whenever he flies, he always carries one bomb with him.
Lawyers in sand
What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
Not enough sand
Eager Journalist
The scene is a newspaper office. The editor says to one of his reporters: There's a fire
raging out of control west of town and I want you to get out there fast. And above all, get
some good shots. If that means you have to hire an airplane, just do it. Don't worry about
the expense.
So, the reporter calls the local FBO and orders a plane. He rushes out to the airport, spots
a small aircraft with a young pilot in it, pulls open the door, jumps in and says to the pilot:
Let's go, take off. As directed, the pilot takes off, gets up to altitude, and the reporter then
tells him, 'See that fire raging to the west? I want you to fly over that and get down as
close as you can.'
Incredulous, the pilot says, 'You want me to fly over that fire?'
'Sure,' the reporter says, 'I am a photojournalist and that's why I am here--to take dramatic
shots of the fire!'
The pilot looks over with a quizzical look on his face and says, 'You're not the flight
instructor?'
Two bullets
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two
bullets. What should you do?
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Making a Will
A man went to his lawyer and said 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how
to go about it.'
The lawyer says 'Don't worry, leave it all to me'.
The man looks somewhat upset ... 'Well I knew you were going to take the biggest slice -
but I'd like to leave a little to my children too!
Two Engines…
A large two engine train was crossing the country. After they had gone some distance one
of the engines
broke down.
'No problem,' the engineer thought, and carried on at half-power.
Further on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped,
and made the following announcement:
'Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that
both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that
this is a train and not a plane.'
After School Snack
Why did the boy eat his homework?
Because his teacher said it was a peace of cake.
Lunch & Learn
The company I work for sometimes puts on what they call 'Lunch and Learn' seminars
during the employees' lunchtime, dealing with a variety of physical and mental health
issues.
If the seminar lasts beyond the normal lunch hour, we're supposed to get managerial
approval to attend.
So, last week, this flier came around:
LUNCH AND LEARN SEMINAR:
WHO'S CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE?
(Get your manager's permission before attending)
My Dear Mr. Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone
to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.
Holmes said, 'Watson, look up. What do you see?
'Well, I see thousands of stars.'
'And what does that mean to you?'
'Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you,
Holmes?'
'To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.'
CPI (Common Programming Instructions)
ARG : Agree to Run Garbage
BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory
CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals
DDS : Damage Disk and Stop
EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation
ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven
FSE : Fake Serious Error
GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions
GQS : Go Quarter Speed
HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction
IDD : Inhale Dust and Die
IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input
IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User
JPF : Jam Paper Feed
JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake
KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer
LNM : Launch Nuclear Missiles
MAW : Make Aggravating Whine
NNI : Neglect Next Instruction
OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended
PNG : Pass Noxious Gas
QWF : Quit Working Forever
QVC : Question Valid Command
RWD : Read Wrong Device
SCE : Simulate Correct Execution
SDJ : Send Data to Japan
TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash
UBC : Use Bad Chip
VDP : Violate Design Parameters
VMB : Verify and Make Bad
WAF : Warn After Fact
XID : eXchange Instruction with data
YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse
ZAM : Zero All Memory
Serve a Pakistani
A big Indian walked into a bar with his pet tiger on a leash and asked the bartender, 'Do
you serve Pakistanis here?' 'Sure we do,' replied the bartender. 'Good,' said the Sardar.
'Give me a beer, and one Pakistani for my tiger.'
A Lesson
A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his fifth-grade class a lesson about the evils of
liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey
and two worms.
'Now, class. Observe the worms closely,' said the teacher, putting a worm first into the
water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the
bottom, dead as a doornail.
'Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?' the teacher asked.
Johnny, who sits in the back, raised his hand and responded, 'Drink whiskey and you
won't get worms?'
A Jewish Mother After Hanukkah
A man received two sweaters for Hanukkah from his mother. The next time
he visited her, he made sure to wear one of the two sweaters.
As he entered her home, instead of the expected smile, she said, "What's
the matter? You didn't like the other one?"
A Priest and a Rabbi Were on a Plane…
A priest and a rabbi were traveling on a plane. After a while the priest
turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that
you not eat pork?"
The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."
The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"
To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb and tasted
pork."
The priest nodded in understanding and went back to his reading. After a
while the rabbi asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your
faith that you remain celibate?"
The priest replied, "Yes that is still very much a part of our faith."
The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of
the flesh?"
The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with
my faith."
The rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better
than pork, isn't it?"
The Retirement Party
The boss is finally old enough to retire from the company. On his last day of work, he
ordered a farewell party for himself. The boss wanted everyone to express their good
feeling about him by writing on the farewell card, so later he could remember how his staff
"miss" himMost people are writing standard phrases like, "Without you, the company will
never be the same,"
"We will always remember you," etc.
Obviously the boss was not satisfied. "I need something from the bottom of your heart,
something really touching, you know. Okay, Rahul, you have been working with me for the
last 20 years. You are my best staff. I am retiring now. What do you have to say?"
Slowly but firmly, Rahul wrote, "THE BEST NEWS IN 20 YEARS."
Phone call
The new office-boy came into his boss's office and said, 'I think you're wanted on the
phone, sir.'
'What do you mean, you think?' demanded the boss.
'Well, sir, the phone rang, I answered it and a voice said 'Is that you, you old fool?''
explained the boy.
Some Jokes collection.
Banta singh letter to billgates
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
This letter is from Banta Singh from Punjab. We have bought a computer for our
home and we found problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. After connecting to internet we planned to open e-mail account and whenever we fill
the form in Hotmail in the password column, only ****** appears, but in the rest of the
fields whatever we typed appears, but we face this problem only in password field. We
checked with hardware vendor Santa Singh and he said that there is no problem in
keyboard. Because of this we open the e-mail account with password *****. I request
you to check this as we ourselves do not know what the password is.
2. We are unable to enter anything after we click the 'shut down ' button.
3. There is a button 'start' but there is no "stop" button. We request you to check this.
4. We find there is 'Run' in the menu. One of my friend clicked 'run' and has ran upto
Amritsar! So, we request you to change that to "sit", so that we can click that by sitting.
5. One doubt is that any 're-scooter' available in system? As I find only 're-cycle', but I
own a scooter at my home.
6. There is 'Find' button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and
we tried a lot for tracing the key with this ' find', but unable to trace. Is it a bug??
7. Every night I am not sleeping as I have to protect my 'mouse' from CAT, So I
suggest u to provide one DOG to kill that cat.
8. Please confirm when u are going to give me money for winning 'HEARTS' (playing
cards in games) and when are u coming to my home to collect ur money.
9. My child learnt 'Microsoft word' now he wants to learn 'Microsoft sentence', so
when u will provide that?
Best regards,
Banta Singh
80,000 sardars meet in the gurunanak stadium, for a "Sardars Are Not
Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that
Sardars are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A sardar gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the
stage. The leader asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds he says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed.
Then 80,000 sardars start cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him
another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting
80,000 Of you in one place and we have the worldwide press and global
broadcast media here, uh, I guess we can give him another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually Says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected
Sigh - everyone is disheartened, the sardar starts crying and the
80,000 sardars begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more ha than damage,
eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance What is 2 plus 2?"
The surd closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 surdies
jump To their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
..............................................
......................................
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!
--
GO GATORS !!
1 A Teacher lecturing on population - In India after
Every 10 sec a
woman gives birth to a kid.
A Sardar stands up- we must find & stop her!.
2 Sardar-why r all these people running?
Man- This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Sardar-If only the winner will get the cup, why r
others running?
3 Teacher: "I killed a person" convert this sentence
into future tense.
Sardar: The future tense is "u will go to jail".
4 Sardarji was filling up application form for a job. He was
not sure as to what to be filled in column "Salary
Expected".
After much thought he wrote: Yes!
5 Sardar told his servant: Go and water the plants. Servant
it’s already raining. Sardar: So what? Take an
umbrella and go.
6 Sardar wins 20 cr from Rs. 20 lottery ticket. Dealer
gave 11cr after
deducting tax. Angry Sardar: "Give me 20 cr or else
return my 20 Rs
back.
7 Postman:- I Have To Come 5 Miles To Deliver U This Packet
Sardar:- why did u come so far. Instead u could have
posted it....
8 Sardar's wish :when i die,i wana die like my grandpa who died
peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the
passengers in the
car he was driving..
9 Sardar at an Art Gallery: I suppose this horrible
looking thing is
what you call modern art ?
Art dealer: I beg your pardon sir, thats a mirror!
10 Sardar was writing something very slowly.
Friend asked:" Why r u writing so slowly?
Sardar: "I'm writing to my 6 yr old son, he can't read very fast.
11 Flash news: A 2 seater plane crashed in a graveyard in punjab . Local
sardars have so far found 500 bodies and are still
digging for more..
12 A man asked sardarji, why Manmohan singh goes walking at evening not
in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM".
13 Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Darling : When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture
and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Darling : Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem Can there be
greater than this one?
14 Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles
and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or
troubles.
Girl: Well that is because we aren't married yet.
15 Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
16 A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if
my father hadn't left me a fortune?" "Honey," the woman replied Sweetly,
"I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
17 Father to son after exam: "let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
18 A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"..
My Father grows beans," said one student. "My father cooks beans," said
another.
Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."
19 Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire? "
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman.
Interviewer: "What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
20 Its funny when people discuss over "love marriage" and "arranged marriage"
It is like asking a person if he would like to "hang himself" or "shoot himself".
21 What is a girl friend?
Addition of problems, subtraction of money, multiplication of enemies & division of
friends.
22 Guide: "I welcome you all to Niagara Falls. These are the world's largest
waterfalls and the sound intensity of the waterfall is so high, even 20
supersonic planes passing by can't be heard.
Now may I request the ladies to keep quite so that we can hear the Niagara
Falls?"
23 Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head
psychiatrist.
If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they
fail, the institution will detain them for seven years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board overlooking an empty
swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump.
"Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the
doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!"
24 As a old man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route
280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
25 Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
26 What's the definition of lawyer?
The larval form of a politician
27 Sardar comes back 2 his car & finds a note saying "Parking Fine"
28 How do you recognize a Sardar in School?
He is the one who erases the notes from the book when the teacher erases the board.
29 once a Sardhar was walking and had a glove on one hand and not on other so
the man asked him why did he do so. He Replied that the
weather forecast announced that on one hand it would be cold and on the other hand it
would be hot.
30 Sardarji bought a brand new Maruti and decided to drive down from Amritsar,
where he lived, to Jalandar to meet his friend. He reached there in a few hours.
After spending a few days there, he decided to return, and called up his mother to
expect him in the evening. But he didn't reach in the evening and not the next day
either. "
When he finally reached home on the third day, his distraught mother ran and asked
him " Arre Puttar, ki hoya?
(What Happened, My Son?)
31 The Sardarji got out, obviously very tired from a long journey, and said, "Oy, ye
Marutti wale pagal hain, agge jaane waaste chaar gear banaate hain, )
aur pichche jaane waaste sirf ik?" (These Maruti Car people are crazy! They have
four gears for going forward, but only one for going back!
32 Santa Singh decided to start a chicken farm so he bought a hundred chickens to
begin with. A month later he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens .
because all of the first lot had died. A month later he was back at t he dealer for another
hundred chickens for the second lot had also died
'But I think I know where I'm going wrong,' said Santa, 'I think I'm planting them too
deep.'
33 2 Dost Suicide karne gae, Pahala : "Hey Bhagwan muje dunia ki saari
nafrat de Pareshani de Duk de!" Dusra dost : "Abe tu maut maang raha
hai ki Reliance mai Job.
34 Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings U into this world crying... & the other
ensures U
Continue to do so.
35 Sardar to Shopkeeper: - Mujhe India Ka Flag Dikhao, Shopkeeper ne
Flag
Dikhaya, Sardar: - Isme aur Colour Dikhao.
36 .How can a Sardar Kill a Lion ? Sardarji thinks N thinks hard &
comes to a conclusion: I'll drink poison n let lion eat me. O' bolo
ta ra ra.
37 A Chinese pair accidentally had twins without getting married, Guess
what they named them... Jo Hua, So Hua.
38 Wife : Honey ...... What are You Looking for ?
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? U've been reading our marriage certificate 4 an
hour ...?? Husband : I was just looking 4 the expiry date.
39 Papa : beta har parai stri ko apni Maa samjho to tumhara character
thik ho jaaega.....Beta : Lekin Papa fir Aap ke character ka kya
hoga....???
40 Sardar: O Banno Car ki speed itani ky badha di..? biwi: Oji Car ki
break
fail ho gayi hai, Exident ho jaye iske pahale ghar pahunch jaate hai.
41 Sardar : Sitting on The Top of the Mountain and Studying.... When a
Person asked what he was doing.... He replied... Oye!! Higher
Studies
Yaar...!!!
42 Mayawati came to Lalu's House with a Goat.....
Lalu : Bhaiswa ko kyun Layi ho....??
Maya : Dikhta nahi, Goatwa hai..??
Lalu : Hum Goatwa se hi Puch raha Hun..!!
52
43 Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
44 Man : How old is your father?
Boy : As old as me.
Man : How can that be?
Boy : He became a father only when I was born
45 Teacher : Correct the sentence, "A bull and a cow is grazing in the
field"
Student : A cow and a bull is grazing in the field
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
46 Customer: If I post this letter tonight, will it get to Delhi in two days time?
Post Master : Yes sir, it definitely will.
Customer : I bet you, it won't.
Post Master : Why not?
Customer : It's addressed to Mumbai.
47 1st thief : Oh ! The police is here. Quick! Jump out of the window!
2nd thief : But this is the 13th floor.
1st thief : Hurry! this is no time for superstitions
48 Man before Marriage I like Airtel....”Aisi Azaadi Aur Kahaan”
After Marriage He's Like Hutch... " Where R U Go Our Network
Follows."
49 Santa : That Cow is a Lovely Colour ,
Farmer : Yes, it's a Jersey.
Santa : Oh, I Thought it was its Skin...!!!
gaya... aur main...SWARGWASI. ..
50 They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is
love; after marriage it is self-defense
51 It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as
women..and then he turns them into Wives !?!!!?!
52 It takes thousand workers to build a castle , Million soldiers to
protect a country
BUT Just ONE woman to make a Happy HOME! Let's Thank ......KAAMWALI
53 After Finishing MBBS, Dr. Munna Starts his practice. He checked 1st
patient eyes, tongue & ears by Torch
& finally said BOLE TO.......... TORCH THEEEEK HAI
54 What is the difference between a woman and a magnet? Magnets have a
positive side!
55 Ladka: Janeman is dil mein aaja.
Ladki: Sandal nikalu kya?
Ladka: Pagli mandir thodi hi hai, aise hi aaja!!
56 It's funny when people discuss LOVE MARRIAGE vs ARRANGED.
It's like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered
57 A person who surrenders when he's WRONG, is HONEST.
A person who SURRENDERS when not SURE, is WISE..
A person who surrenders even if he's RIGHT, is a HUSBAND.!
58 Mayawati came to Lallu's house with a goat.
Lallu: Bhaiswa ko kyon layi ho?
Maya: Dikhta nahin goatwa hai?
Lallu: Hum goatwa se hi to pooch raha hoon.
59 Do sardar jee motor cycle per bomb lay kar jarahay thay,
Rastay main speed breaker ki waja say jhatkay lag rahay thay,
Sardar jee ka dost bola yaar aaram say gari chalao kahi bomb na
phatjain,
Sardar jee...Oo tussi fiker hi naker assi kay pass dosra bhi tu bomb
hay. :)
60 aik sharabi raatkay waqat apnay dost kay sath jaraha hota hay. rastay
main talab per nazar parhti hay tu us main us ko chand dikhta hay woh
apny dost say
kahta hay yaar ye kia hay.dost kehta hay chand hay. sharabi hairan ho
ker
yaar hum log itnay upper aagaiy
61 Santa Singh goes to a TV shop and asks, 'Aap ke paas color TV hai
kya?'
'Haan' replies shopowner. Santa Singh says, 'Ek hara vala dena!'
62 A sardar calls another sardar on the phone & says "Hi, Main Bol Raha
Hoon".
The other sardar replies "Kamaal Hain,Ithe bhi Main Bol Raha Hoon!"
63 Ek pathan Cycle chalaty aur gungunaty howe kahin ja raha tha rasty
mein ek Aurat se takra betha.
Aurat chilla kar boli "Break nahi maar sakty thy kia ??? "
Pathan herat se... "Pora cycle mar deya abhi break mar kar kia faida."
64 Burhiya:Aray dekho iss kambakhat maare ko mere sath larki ja rahi he
osse nahi dekh raha kab se mujhe taare chala ja ria he...!
65 Aadmi:Aray.. ! amma darasal ye kabaria he purana maal dekh raha he.
66 Ustaad: Bete, aap jab hanste hen to aap ke dimples parte hen aap bohat
ache lagte hen dil chahta he aap ko piyar karloon.
67 Bacha: Sir, mujhse ziyada dimple to mere ammi ke parte hen.
68 Aik lerki apny boy friend k sath nai garri main long drive par
ja rahi thi
achanak larki kehnay lagi.....suno !
kia tum aik haath se garri chala saktay ho ?
kioon nahi.....larkay ne bare fakher se garden akraaii...
larki ne aahista se kaha........ ..
"to phir doosray haath se apni naak saaf kar lo "
69 Sardar : Apne bete se bola, Bevakuf...kaisa machis leke aaya hai, ek
bhi tili nahin jalti.
Beta : Kya baat karte ho papa, sab tili test karke laya hu.
70 Doctor : App ka aur aapki biwi ka blood group ek hi hai?
Sardaar : Hoga, Jarur hoga; 25 saalse mera khoon jo pee rahi hai....
71 Nurse - "Mubarak ho.. Sardarji.. aap papa ban gaye.."
Sardarji - " Meri wife ko nahi bolna.. main usey SURPRISE doonga..!"
72 Hum Ney Un Ki Yaad Main Ro Ro Kar Matkey Bhar Diye
Wo Bewafa Aye Aur Naha Kar Chal Diye
73 Neend mujhey raat bhar aati hai kam ,
Shayad macharon ko bi mil gaya hai sanam
74 Tujh bin zindagi ka tasawar hi nehi hai ,
Tere sang ho zindagi aisa bi koi scene nehi hai
Iss dunya mein, tum he sab sey haseen ho
mein aur kahon jhot kitna, ke tum ko yaqeen ho
75 rooz khawab mein nazar aatey ho tum
kio mujhey neend mein bi daratay ho tum
76 kal raat machar ne kata mere chehre par,
dil mien junoon tha...aankhoon mien khoon tha,
uthaya ussay masal dene k liye par khayal aya,
kambakht mien apna hi khoon thA
77 hi u all
i hv one puppy 4 u
1puppy 4 ur friend
1 puppy for ur fri ke fri
u know why???
becuz....... .....
ajj hi meray dogi nay 10 puppies ko janam dia hai
78 Civic VTI jisai kehete ho wo gadi tumaree hai
Jisey nokia 6600 kehte ho wo cell tumhara hai
Jinhai tum aamon k baghat kehte ho woh baghain tumharee hain
Kaho ik di kaho ik din
Ager sab kuch ye mera hai to sab kuch dedo ik din
Gari apni mujhe tum dedo cell dedo doosrey din
merey hathon mai kaghzat rakh ker dafa ho ik din
Dafa ho ik din dafa ho ik din...
79 dabe mein daba dabe mein kharghosh,
uncle nae ankh mari anute behosh...... :)
80 teen dost tha phalla patan dosra panjabe or tisra memon.Ramzan ka
maina
tha dostoo na bolaa ka yar zakat dana ha too app log kasa datta ho.too
phala dost patan na bolla ka hum khali maidan ma za kar gol paira
banatha ha or asman ma paisa ushal tha ha zoo paisa paira ka bhair
zata ha
woo zakat kartta ha or zoo andar hotta ha woo humara hotta ha .fer
pajabe na bolla ka hum ak lakir kachtta ha or paisa ushal tha ha zoo
paisa
left hand par zatta ha woo zakat kartta ha or zoo right hand par woo
humara.fer memon dost sa pucha ka woo kasa kartta ha too usna kaha ka
astag feroollha app log assa zakat kartta ho yea lakir fakir keya ha
hum
khali maidan ma zatta ha or asman ma husal tha ha zoo paisa asman ma
gheya woo zakat ka or zoo paisa necha aaya woo humara.
81 Admi Naai Se Meri TERE NAAM Wali Cutting Kar Do.
Naai Uski Tind Kar Deta Hai
Admi Ghussay Se Ye Kya Kiya Hai ???
Naai Main Kya Karoon Main Ne Dekhi Hi End Se Hai.
82 Sardarji is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has Clock Tower
when someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower.
Sardarji says "Yes".
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder." The man took the thousand and
disappeared. Having waited for several hours the Sardarji figured he was taken for a
ride. On the next day the Sardarji is again walking along the same street and the same
man asks him to buy the clock. "Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder."
The Sardarji gives him the thousand and says "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and
I'll go get a ladder."
83 A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he
feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The
lawyer turns around.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm
waiting in line."
"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front
of me, do you?"
84 Q: Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
85 Safed saari par jab tum laalbindi lagati ho
khuda ki kasam ambulance nazar aati ho
farq sirf itna hai ke wo ghayal ko le jati hai
or tum ghayal kar jati ho
86 janab patan: eak dookan per jata hai aor kata hai40 wala chawal hai.
dukan daar: je hai
janab patan:eak kulo dado
dukan daar: je janab
janab patan : 40 wala chawal kitna ka diya hai.
87 Aik haseen-o-jameel adaakara ke ghar aag lag gaee ..aag par qabu panay
main 10 minut lagay.....aor. ......aag bujhany walon per qabu panay
main 40 minut lagay
88 Aik aadmi apne dost ki qabar par phool daal raha hota he
Aur brabar men bhi aik aadmi apne dost ki qabar par chawal daal raha
hota he.
Pehla Aadmi doosre se kehta he " Ye tumhara dost phool sunghne kab
uthe ga?"
Doosra dost:"Jab tumhara dost chawal khane uthe ga
89 uncle aik bachay se kehte hain : beta aik acha sa jhoot bolo agar mujhe pasand
agaya to main tumhien paanch rupay doon ga bacha masoomiat se : yeh lo ! abhi to das
rupay kahay thay .... !!!!
90 aik dost dosray se : yaar har party mien tum yehi kurta kyun pehantay ho
dosra dost : kyun ke yeh mera khandani kurta hai mere par dada ne pehna phir dada
ne pehna phir mere walid ne pehna iss liye main bhi pehanta hoon pehla dost : ohh acha
.. khier yeh batao k tumhari umar hogai hai shadi ki tum kartay kyun nahi ..kya koi
larki pasand nahi ati
dosra dost : nahi yaar larkiyaan to bohat pasand ati hain
pehla dost : to phir kyun nahi kartay
dosra dost : yaar mere par dada ne nahi ki dada ne nahi ki mere walid
ne nahi ki to phir main kaise karloon ??
91 Banta Singh happened to be in a queue at a railway station ticket counter with two
men ahead of him. 'Ek Punjab Mail dena.' demanded the man in front.
He was given a ticket. 'Ek Punjab Mail dena.' the second man asked & was handed a
ticket. Then came, the turn of Banta Singh, 'Ek Punjab female dena!'
'What do u mean by Punjab female?' asked the clerk.
'It is for my wife' replied Banta Singh
92 The Equation:
7 Glance = 1 Smile
7 Smile = 1 Meeting
7 Meeting = 1 Kiss
7 Kisses = 1 Proposal
7 Proposal = 1 Marriage -
And that 1 Bloody marriage has 777777777777 problems.
So beware of glance!
93 Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.
Vinod: I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa: I want 2 b a good mother.
Ravi: I want 2 help Deepa.
94 Exams:
Exams are like GIRL FRIENDS;
1,Too Many Questions.
2,Difficult to Understand.
3,More Explanation is Needed.
4,Result is always FAIL!
95 A man is dying of Cancer.
His son asked him, "Dad, why do u keep telling people u're dying of
AIDS?"
Answer: "So when I'm dead no one will dare touch ur mom
96 Girlfriend : And are you sure you love me and no one else
Boyfriend : Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday.
97 Teacher : Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?
Pupil : The moon.
Teacher : Why?
Pupil : The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives
us light only in the day time when we dont need it.
98 Teacher : What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer
interested?
Pupil : A teacher.
99 Waiter : Would you like your coffee black?
Customer : What other colours do you have?
100 My father is so old that when he was in school, history was called current affairs.
101 Teacher : Sam, you talk a lot.
Sam : It's a family tradition.
Teacher : What do you mean?
Sam : Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher.
Teacher : What about your mother?
Sam : She's a woman.
102 Tom : How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?
David: You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated.
103 Teacher : Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what
virtue would I be showing?
Student : Brotherly love.
104 Teacher : Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam : No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
105 Patient : What are the chances of my recovering doctor?
Doctor : One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of
the disease you have.
Yours is the tenth case I've treated.The others all died.
106 Teacher : " Hello boys, Remember !!! Nothing is impossible."
One of the 20 Students: "Ok Sir, You please take out all the toothpaste and put it back
into the tube again.
107 Teacher : " Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE ?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
108 Sardarji opens his lunch box in the middle of the road....why ?
Just to confirm whether he is going to or coming back from the office
109 A woman had 8 sons all named Kevin. On asking how she managed to call one
in particular
She replied: That's easy. I call them by their surname !
110 koi apni biwi ka antim sanskar karke ghar ja raha tha ki achanak bijli
chamki, badal garje, jor se baarish shuru hui dukhi aadmi bola:
Lagta hai pahunch gai :-)
111 Sardar enters kitchen and opens the sugarbox. Sees inside and closes it.
Wife observes the whole episode
Again he comes and does the same stuff. Wife askes Why are you doing this?
Sardar replies: Doc told to check sugar level regularly
112 What is the full form of singh: S-sardar I-insaan N-nahi G-gadha H-hai.
113 Angry sardar-Oye mein is duniya ko mita dunga - mita dunga- mita dunga.
Another sardar standing besides said mein tujhe rubber nahi dunga.
114 Santa singh: Can u spell a word that has more than 100 letters in it?
Banta singh: Post office.
115 Sardar on cycle hit lady accidently, lady says," break nahi mar sakta tha kya?
Sardar replies "break ka kya hai, poori cycle to mar di....."
116 Sardarji zebra crossing ke black & white patte par bar bar idhar-udhar chalte the,
woh kya soch rahe honge....think. ......... ...
"SALA YE PIANO BAJTA KYO NAHI"
117 Sardar:Aap kitna padhe ho?
Friend: B.A.
Sardar: kamal karte ho yaar sirf do word padhe aur woh bhi ulte.
119 Sardar: Doctor help me, mein jab baat karta huun to muje sirf awaaz sunaideti
hai, aadmi nahi dikhta.
Dr: Aaisa kab hota hai?
Sardar: Phone karte waqt.
120 Sardar jhad pe bethkar gaa rahe the, achanak ek sardar jhad se ulta latak ke
gaane laga, dusre ne pucha ki ulta kyon latka he, Sardar bola oye side B gaa raha hun.
121 Sardarni asks her lover,"Santa dear, if we get engaged, will u give me a ring?"
"Sure" replies santa. "Whats ur phone no?"
122 Sardarji is not sleeping with his wife! these days because somebody had told him
that it is wrong to sleep with married women.
123 One day sardarji was sitting in his office on the thirteenth floor of a building when
a man came running in to his office and shouted "Santa singh you daughter Preeto just
died in an accident" ....... since Sardarji was in panic. Not knowing what to do he
jumped from his office window while comming down when he was near the tenth floor
he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Preeto. when he was near the fifth
floor he remembered he was not married.
124 *** Banta Singh finished his English exam and came out. His friends asked him
how did he do his exam, for that he replied "Exam was okay, but for the past tense of
THINK, I thought, thought, thought ... and at last wrote - THUNK !!!"
125 A sardar was going on the road. Then he sees a man who has met with an accident.
so he picks him up puts him in his car and takes him to the hospital. Then the sardar
realises that the man should have brought by ambulance. he takes him back where he
picked him. Sardar was driving a car. Suddenly one tyre was puncher. He took spear
tyre and changed in the place of punchered tyre. but unfortunately he misplaced the
four screws to fit the tyre on its place . he was so confused ,,now what to do,, a
pagal(mentally retaired) person was watching this incident.
He came near to sardar and said," do one thing,, take each one screw from
the remaining three tyre and fit it in this new tyre. There after u can go where ever u
want to. Sardar was so happy and said aree yaar Duniya tume pagal kahate hai lakin i
dont think u are a pagal. pagal replied sir,, i m a pagal but i m not a sardar.
126 Once a Sardar ji rescued 6 people from a house burning on fire;
But still the Sardar ji was jailed, why?
Because all the rescued persons were fire fighters
127 TEACHER: Why are you late?
L-JOHNY: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
L-JOHNY: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
128 TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
129 TEACHER: Johny, how do you spell "crocodile"?
L-JOHNY: "K-R-O-K-O-D- A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
L-JOHNY: Maybe it's wrong, but you ask me how I spell it!
130 TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
L-JOHNY: "HIJKLMNO"!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
L-JOHNY: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
TEACHER: Johny, why are you doing your maths sums on the floor?
L-JOHNY: You told me to do it without using tables!
131 TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, Johny, who discovered America?
JOHNY: George!
132 TEACHER: Johny, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have
ten years ago.
L-JOHNY: Me!
133 TEACHER: Johny, why do you always get so dirty?
L-JOHNY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground then you are.
134 L-JOHNY: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
L-JOHNY: Your name on this report card.
135 TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
L-JOHNY: Don't bite any.
136 TEACHER: Johny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
L-JOHNY: I is...
TEACHER: No, Johny. Always say, "I am."
L-JOHNY: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
137 Teacher: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE? "
L-Johnny: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day same time."
138 Question: There are 10 elephants swimming in a pond. A boy jumps inside
and swims underneath them and counts the number of legs. There are only36
legs.HOW??
Answer: One elephant was swimming BACKSTROKE!!
139 L-Johnny : Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
L-Johnny: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?
140 Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is
blue with red spots!
L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same
at home.
141 Teacher: Now, Johny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
L-Johnny: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.
142 Teacher: Johny, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your
brother's. Did u copy his?
L-Johnny: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
During 17th Century, when Hindustan was ruled by Mughals, all the Hindu people were
humiliated and were treated like animals. Mughals treated the Hindu women as there
own property and were forcing all Hindus to accept Islam and even used to kill the
people if they were refusing to accept. That time, our ninth Guru, Sri Guru Teg
Bahadarji came forward, in response to a request of some Kashmir Pandits to fight
against all these cruel activities. Guruji told the Mughal emperor that if he could
succeed in converting him to Islam, all the Hindus would accept the same.
But, if he failed, he should stop all those activities
The Mughal emperor happily agreed to that but even after lots of torture to Guruji and
his fellow members he failed to convert him to Islam and Guruji along with his other
four fellow members, were torture! d and sacrificed their lives in Chandni Chowk. Since
the Mughals were unable to convert them to Islam they were assassinated.
Thus Guruji sacrificed his life for the protection of Hindu religion. Can anybody lay
down his life and that too for the protection of another religion? This is the reason he is
still remembered as "Hind Ki Chaddar", shield of India . For the sake of whom he had
sacrificed his life, none of the them came forward to lift his body, fearing that they
would also be assassinated.
Seeing this incident our 10th Guruji, Sri Guru Gobind Singhji (Son of Guru Teg
Bahadarji) founder of khalsa made a resolution that he would convert his followers to
such human beings who would not be able to hide themselves and could be easily located
in thousands.
At the start, the Sikhs were very few in numbers as they were fighting against the
Mughal emperors. At that time, Nadir Shah raided Delhi in the year 1739 and looted
Hindustan and was carrying lot of Hindustan treasures and nearly 2200 Hindu women
along with him. The news spread like a fire
and was heard by Sardar Jassa Singh who was the Commander of the Sikh army at that
time. He decided to attack Nadir Shah's Kafila on the same midnight . He did so and
rescued all the Hindu women and they were safely sent to their homes.
It didn't happen only once but thereafter whenever any Abdaalis or Iranis had attacked
and looted Hindustan and were trying to carry the treasures and Hindu women along
with them for selling them in Abdal markets, the Sikh army although fewer in numbers
but were brave hearted and attacked them at midnight , 12 O'clock and rescued women.
After that time when there occurred a similar incidence, people started to contact the
Sikh army for their help and Sikhs used to attack the raider's at Midnight , 12 O'clock .
Nowadays, these "smart people" and some Sikh enemies who are afraid of Sikhs, have
spread these words that at 12 O'clock , the Sikhs go out of their senses. This historic fact
was the reason which made me smile over that person as I thought that his Mother or
Sister would be in trouble and wants my help and was reminding me by saying off
'Sardarji Barah Baj Gaye' ."
Once Santa and Banta happened to be together in Delhi. Having excursion tickets, they
boarded a DTC double decker. Banta, finding no vacant seat in the lower deck, went to
the upper deck and took a seat.
He was surprised to see that there was no driver in the upper deck. Showing his anxiety,
he asked Santa if there was a driver in the lower deck.
Promptly came the reply that there was indeed a driver.
Banta than said, 'Utte te wahe guru challanda pia hia!' (God is driving this upper deck
himself).
Sardar gives a dictation test to the students last bench students say that v r nt able to
hear u, sardar replies ok...i'll write it on a blackboard ...
*Break Into the House*
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.
"No, no,no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I`ve been trying to do that for years!"
________________________________________________________
*Lost Wife*
The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and
asked,"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you
talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Why?" she asks.
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife appears out
of nowhere."
___________________________________________
*Teacher*
"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up?" said
the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his
feet. "Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" enquired the
teacher with a sneer."Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to
see you standing up there all by yourself."
_______________________________________
*Hearing*
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of
years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted
for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The
elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor
said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased
that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I havn't told my family yet. I just sit
around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three
times!"
_______________________________________
*Wedding*
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness and today is the happiest day
of her life." Her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.
The child thought about this for a moment,then said, "So, why is the
groom wearing black?"
__________________________________________
*Dream*
A woman awoke excitedly on Valentine's Day and announced
enthusiastically to her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a
pearl necklace for Valentine's day! What do you think it means?"
With certainty in his voice, the man said, "You'll know tonight."
That evening the man came home with a small package and handed it to
his wife. With anxious anticipation the woman quickly opened the
package to find a book entitled - "The meaning of Dreams".
___________________________________________
*Laugh out Loud*
A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the woman asked,
"Honey, if I died would you get married again?"
The man said, "No dear."
The woman said,"I'm sure you would."
So the man said, "Okay, I would"
Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the
man replied, "Ya, I guess so."
Then the women asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the
man replied, "No, she's left handed." !!!
. Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A. He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Q. How do you tease fruit?
A. Banananananananana!
Q. Why did Goofy put a clock under his desk?
A. Because he wanted to work over-time!
Q. Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?
A. Because he wanted to see time fly!
Q. How does a moulded fruit-flavoured dessert answer the phone?
A. Jell-o!
Q. When do you stop at green and go at red?
A. When you're eating a watermelon!
Q. How did the farmer mend his pants?
A. With cabbage patches!
Q. Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?
A. Because it makes you break out!
Q. What do you call artificial spaghetti?
A. Mockaroni!
Q. What happens to a hamburger that misses a lot of school?
A. He has a lot of ketchup time!
Q. Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?
A. He couldn't concentrate!
Q. How do you repair a broken tomato?
A. Tomato Paste!
Q. Why did the baby strawberry cry?
A. Because his parents were in a jam!
Q. What did the hamburger name his daughter?
A. Patty!
Q. What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?
A. A devilled egg!
Q. What kind of key opens the door on Thanksgiving?
A. A turkey!
Q. What kind of cake do you get at a cafeteria?
A. A stomach-cake!
Q. Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A. He felt crummy!
Q. When does a cart come before a horse?
A. In the dictionary!
Q. Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A. She couldn't control her pupils!
There re many things in your life which will catch your eye but only few will catch your
heart pursue those
One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw
two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.
"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.
"Oh, come along with me then."
"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"
"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!, he said to the other man.
"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.
"Bring them as well!"
They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for
taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall!"
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend to death.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends".
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Small Boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"
Santa wrote back," SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
What is the definition of Mistress?
Someone between the Mister and Mattress
============ ========= ======== ========= ========= ==
Husband asks, "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
"Without Information Fighting Every time"
Wife replies," No, It means,
"With Idiot For Ever !!!"
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Three Feelings:
What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant, and
Panic is when both are pregnant.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Teacher: u know the importance of period?
Kid: Ya, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got heart
attack & our driver ran away.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Why did they stop printing Pamela Anderson stamps in the U.S?
B'coz people started licking the wrong side.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Women asked man who is travelling with six children, all these kids are yours??
No, I work in a condom factory & these are customer complaints.
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Two men met while both where looking for their lost wives.
1st: How urs look like?
2nd: She is 5"7, 36-24-36, Fair, Black eyes. Wat abt urs?
1st: Forget mine. Lets find urs!!
============ ========= ========= ========= ========= ==
Sons asks difference between confidence and confidential
Dad says, you are my son, im confident. ur friend also my son, that's confidential!
Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from
enjoying it.
---------------------------------------
My friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her elderly mother to the magic of the
Internet. Our first move was to access the popular Ask Jeeves website, and we told her it
could answer any question she had. Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said,
"It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it." As I sat with fingers poised over the
keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen
feeling?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two brawny men came to my house to install some new floor covering in the kitchen.
Once they had moved the stove and refrigerator out of the way, it was not long before
the job was done.
As they were getting ready to leave, I asked them to put the heavy appliances back in
place.
The two men demanded $45 for this service, stating it was not in their contract.
I really had no choice but to pay them. As soon as they left, however, the doorbell rang.
It was the two men. They asked me to move my car, which was blocking their van.
I told them my fee: $45.
-------------------------------------------------------------
A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her
language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a
particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.
She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know
quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.
After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet"
but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started
all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.
"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.
Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure
out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the
campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist
Church, so he wrote the following reply.
Dear Madam,
I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of
informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is
capable of seating 250 people at one time.
I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no
doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many
take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and
stay quite late.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to
stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a
special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be
able to sit in comfort.
I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it
is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.
As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If
you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first
time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.
Remember this is a very friendly community
----------------------------------------------------------------
A guy bet his neighbour $100 dollars that his dog could jump
higher than a house. Thinking this not possible, the neighbour
took the bet and lost. Why did he lose the bet?
?
??
?
???
?
????
?
???
?
??
?
Answer:
Simple...a house cannot jump!
Three Wishes
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to
mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the
most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realise
that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the
world, an Adonis whom women will flock to."
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman
and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful
woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The
frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he
will be ten times richer than you."
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is
mine."
So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish,and she answered, "I'd like a
mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here
and continue feeling good ! =)
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that you women never listen!!!!!!!!!
An Indian is calmly having his breakfast when an American who is chewing gum, sits
down beside him. The Indian ignores the American who begins to chat.
The American asks: "Do you eat the bread entirely?" The Indian answers, "Of
course!"
American: "We do not. We only eat the inner part. The crust is put in a container and
processed and transformed into flour and sold to India."
The Indian says nothing.
The American continues, "Do you eat this jelly with the bread?" Indian: "Of
course!" American: "We do not. We eat fresh fruits for breakfast and then put the
seeds and peels into a container. Later it is processed and transformed into jelly and
sold to India."
The Indian finally asks, "And what do you do with the condoms after using them?"
American: "We thrown them away of course!"
Indian: "We do not. We keep them in containers, process them and transform them
into chewing gum and sell it to the United States
An Arab was interviewed at the US Embassy for a
U.S.A. Visa.
Consul : What is your name?
Arab: Abdul Aziz
Consul: Sex?
Arab : Six to ten times a week
Consul: I mean, male or female?
Arab : both male and female and sometimes even camels
Consul: Holy cow!
Arab : Yes, cows and dogs too!!!!
Consul: Man,........isn't it hostile?
Arab :Horse style, dog style, any style
Consul: Oh..........dear!
Arab : Deer? No deer, they run too fast!
When I was born, I got a choice - a big dick or a good memory. I am not
able to remember, what did I choose?
------------------------------
2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
------------------------------
3. My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.
------------------------------
4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard feelings".
------------------------------
5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't"
and "stop", unless they are used together ... "don't stop"!
------------------------------
6. Panties are not the best thing on earth, but next to best thing on earth.
------------------------------
7. There are three stages to sex in a person's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly,
and Try Weakly.
------------------------------
8. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,
you'd better have a good hand.
------------------------------
9. Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only
down under.
------------------------------
10. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with
the Hole and She was happy with the Thing.
------------------------------
11. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life? A: Life sucks,
job sucks and the wife doesn't!
------------------------------
12. Teacher: Use 'harassment' in a sentence. Johnny: Her mouth said no, but
'her ass meant' yes.
------------------------------
13. Q: What's the difference between a bitch and a whore? A: A whore sleeps
With everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.
------------------------------
14. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't
have eyes ...
------------------------------
15. Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many men
still sleep with their wives!
AN ELDERLY MARRIED COUPLE SCHEDULED THEIR ANNUAL MEDICAL
EXAMINATION ON THE SAME DAY SO THEY COULD TRAVEL TOGETHER.
AFTER THE EXAMINATION, THE DOCTOR THEN SAID TO THE ELDERLY
MAN; "YOU APPEAR TO BE IN GOOD HEALTH. DO YOU HAVE ANY
MEDICAL CONCERNS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH ME?"
"IN FACT, I DO", SAID THE MAN.
"AFTER I HAVE SEX WITH MY WIFE FOR THE FIRST TIME, I AM USUALLY
HOT AND SWEATY. AND THEN, AFTER HAVING SEX WITH MY WIFE THE
SECOND TIME, I AM USUALLY COLD AND CHILLY."
"THIS IS VERY INTERESTING" , REPLIED THE DOCTOR. "LET ME DO SOME
RESEARCH AND GET BACK TO YOU."
AFTER EXAMINING THE ELDERLY LADY, THE DOCTOR SAID:
"EVERYTHING APPEARS TO BE FINE. DO YOU HAVE ANY MEDICAL
CONCERNS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH ME?" THE LADY
REPLIED THAT SHE HAD NO QUESTIONS NOR CONCERNS. THE DOCTOR
THEN ASKED; "YOUR HUSBAND HAD AN UNUSUAL CONCERN. HE CLAIMS
THAT HE IS USUALLY HOT AND SWEATY AFTER HAVING SEX THE FIRST
TIME WITH YOU AND THEN COLD AND CHILLY AFTER THE SECOND TIME.
DO YOU KNOW WHY?"
"OH THAT OLD COOT!" SHE REPLIED. "THAT'S BECAUSE THE FIRST TIME
IS USUALLY IN JULY AND THE SECOND TIME IS USUALLY IN DECEMBER!"